Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Musings from a warped mind…

The Earth to Dave! Guide to New Year’s Resolutions.

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 10:07 pm on Thursday, December 28, 2006

New Year’s Day is fast approaching, and you know what that means: time to buckle down and make those New Year’s Resolutions.

Who ever came up with New Year’s resolutions? Have any historians, scientists or archeologists ever searched for clues to the origins of these ridiculous acts? Perhaps they go back to the caveman days where Thor and his wife Wilma were searching for a way to quit…uh, smoking. (Hey, that’s the best that I could come up with. They probably smoked banana leaves or something. Work with me here.)

Thor and Wilma tried everything. They tried “the patch”, which back then was a large fig leaf that you would shove in your mouth. Eventually, though, they’d swallow the leaf to have a smoke. Next they tried the caveman equivalent of “nicotene gum.” Because they knew nothing of nicotene back then, they’d shove a wad of Brontosaurus blubber in their mouth and chew away (eeeww). That didn’t last either, though. The Brontosaurus blubber was WAY too hard to get, and besides, that led to Thor and Wilma gaining extreme weight. This would lead to FURTHER resolutions.
Something had to be done. Thor had an idea:

Thor: Ugh. (“Hey, this has to stop. We look like fat beached whales and I’m afraid I’m going to die of emphysema”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“Who are you calling fat?!”)

Thor: Ugh. (“Uh, not you, my little hubcap. I mean, uh, ME. But don’t you care about our health? Something has to be done!”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“You’re right. What are we to do? I’m just not feeling myself. I used to have way more energy. When I take Dino for a walk, I run out of breath easily. When I do my rock-stepper machine, I can only go 30 seconds. I couldn’t believe it! I’m getting old, honey. We’re both getting old. Have you ever thought about what it’s going to be like when we’re in the assisted-living cave? I cannot believe how time flies. I was talking to Betty the other day and she’s really starting to show wrinkles. I hope I don’t get wrinkles like Betty! Don’t tell her I said that. She’d be crushed! I think we need to paint the cave. Do you like “taupe”? But anyway, I just need to stop this smoking. I’ve GOT to shed some pounds. Plus, do you think I look fat in this leopard skin??”)

Thor:(with “deer in the headlights look”) Ugh. (“No. Uh, no fat. Look good. Real, uh…good”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“Maybe we should start the New Year with a New Year’s Resolution to stop smoking and lose weight!”)

Thor: Ugh. (“Good idea. What’s a New Year’s Remolooshun?”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“Ugh!”)

So there it is. The FIRST New Year’ Resolution. Thor and Wilma shed the pounds, quit smoking (“cold-pterodactyl”) and lived to be 900 years old. Their legacy, however, was in the forming of the first New Year’s Resolution.

So how do YOU do on your resolutions? Me? I’ve got it figured out. I NEVER do well in keeping them. This used to bother me but one day it dawned on me: I’m setting my goals WAY too high. Instead, I should be more realistic in my resolutions. Yes, that’s it! Set the bar a little lower, but high enough to achieve something! Man, I’m a genius.

So in that spirit, I would like to present to you my

Top-10 New Year’s Resolutions for 2007:

10. I resolve to never shave while driving in my car (why do guys do that?? Are they really pressed for time that badly??).

9. I resolve to never ever reach in and clean the grass clippings while the lawn mower is still running.

8. I resolve to never wear those stupid bluetooth thingies attached to my ear and look like a complete moron.

7. I resolve to never push an old lady into the street in front of a street sweeper.

6. I resolve to quit belching the alphabet to impress my wife.

5. I resolve to never pay money to go in and get sprayed with some toxic yellow chemical that is supposed to make me look like I have nothing better to do than vacation, lay on the beach, and get a NATURAL (??) tan.

4. I resolve to stop shoving those little styrofoam “peanuts” up my nose and blowing them at the Pastor while he’s preaching his sermon. (This one is going to be REALLY hard to keep.)

3. I resolve to stop turning my eyelids inside out with my son “Scooter” to impress his teacher and friends.

2. I resolve to quit “snorting” a noodle up my nose and “hawking” it back through my throat so I can play “look at the noodle coming out of my throat and nose” trick (that’s a hit at the parties, by the way, so I’m really going all out here.)

and the number 1 Earth to Dave! New Year’s Resolution?

1. I resolve to quit making stupid New Year’s Resolutions.

Now, I’m pretty confident that I can KEEP these resolutions. Can you say that about YOURS? What do you mean you’re not going to make New Year’s Resolutions this year??!! Remember Thor and Wilma and their many sacrifices they made just so we could make these empty promises? (Don’t forget, Thor was the first guy to have to lie to his wife and tell her the leopard skin DIDN’T make her look fat! C’mon guys, you know what that’s like…Thor’s our man. We OWE it to Thor.)

I’d like to challenge you to not only make your resolutions, but share your TOP resolution with the Earth to Dave! readers.

So let’s see those comments, and remember:

Aim low.

I’d like to wish each one of you a VERY Happy New Year!

–Dave

P.S. Use the “Comments” function to post YOUR resolutions below! Click “Comments” below to share your resolution. You must be registered and logged in to Earth to Dave! to comment. If you’re not a member, whaddap??? Click “Register”————————————–over here———————————->

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Twas the Day After Christmas…now what?

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 11:11 am on Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Well, here it is. The most dreaded day of the year.

Yep, the day that symbolizes everything you might dread about Christmas. It’s the day when you are required to RECOVER from the madness of the holiday rush. Not only do many people have to go to work, but in the middle of “back to life as normal” you are required to:

1. Clean up the DISASTER that you call “the house”.

2. Take back all the stuff that either didn’t fit, you didn’t like, or got two of.

3. Keep the kids from strangling each other because they are “bored”.

Let’s deal with these one at a time, shall we?

1. Clean up the DISASTER that you call “the house”. Have you noticed that your beautifully decorated home looks like an Iraqi war zone after Christmas? How does this happen? Do Santa’s elves secretly sneak into the house, climb the Christmas tree, tear things into bits and pieces and have a food fight? Perhaps. Chances are, however, that your very own family…yes, your own flesh and blood, took care of that for you. It appears that every good habit that you have tried to instill into your family is thrown right out the window when it comes to Christmas Day. As a parent, I imagine the conversation going like this:

Child #1: “Hey, lets take the ashes from the fireplace and make chalk drawings on the walls!”

Child #2: “Do you think we should do that? I once drew on my wall and Mommy took away my Game Boy for a WEEK!”

Child #1: “Yeah, I remember that. But you forget: it’s CHRISTMAS DAY!”

Child #2: “Oh YEAH! Okay, I get THAT wall!”

Then the fun begins. What is a parent to do? You can’t really YELL at them. That would scar them forever:

Patient to psychiatrist: “I guess I started hearing the voices on that Christmas night when Dad tore into me for using ashes to draw on the wall. I’ve never been the same since….”

So as a parent, you have to lower the standards on Christmas Day. You watch helplessly as 16 rolls of Christmas paper are torn into bits and pieces, strewn around the house, giving the equivalent of 153 rolls of Christmas paper. (I would venture to say this is almost the modern-day equivalent of Jesus’ miracle with the five loaves and two fish…except nobody gets fed and you have to clean up the mess.)

Thus, on the Day after Christmas, you are faced with the (very very painful) task of cleaning up the mess. This has, in fact, often led to the following conversation:

Patient to psychiatrist: “I guess the day I became angry was that day after Christmas when I had to clean up the ashes on the wall and 153 rolls of torn-up Christmas paper….”

Now on to number two:

2. Take back all the stuff that either didn’t fit, you didn’t like, or got two of.

Stop and consider this: when you consider how many “things” there are in this world, what are the CHANCES that you will get TWO of these “things” on a Christmas Day? Further, what are the chances that these things will be things that you HATE ENOUGH to battle the (brutal) crowds to take it back for “store credit” at a store you would never shop at? Lastly, what are the chances that you receive something that is of the size that not only does not fit YOU, but someone you KNOW (thus preventing you from having to battle the (brutal) crowds to take it back for “store credit” at a store you would never shop at)? As perplexing as it is, the fact remains that each of us has to do just that: battle the crowds to take back a gift for “store credit” at a store you would never shop at.

I don’t know about you, but I absolutely HATE going to THAT store…you know the store I’m talking about. THAT store. They’re EVERYWHERE. You’re greeted by a lady who is death-warmed-over. She sticks a sticker onto your item and directs you to the “customer service” section where returns are processed. As you make the turn in that direction, you see a line that you’d normally see at an amusement park’s most popular ride. The difference, however, is that YOU decided to join the amusement park line. This time, however, one of your RELATIVES or “Friends” (?) has FORCED you into this line.

You weave through the maze-like pathway and get in line, and wait. And wait. And wait some more. When you finally get far enough to the front (which takes about 17 hours), you see that they have ONE, yes ONE cashier processing the returns. Meanwhile, you have watched numerous clerks stand outside to “take a smoke” or “stand guard” at the exit doors, making sure nobody steals a box of fresh baked (?) donuts from the bakery.

This is the most painful experience known to man. I’d much rather have my eyeballs gouged out with a rusty fork than endure this. The cashier is running in slow-mo. She need caffeine. She needs sugar. I offer to buy her both, but she looks at me with a blank stare. I realize that she has been “deprogrammed” as a human being and is now a robot-like creature, programmed to (very slowly and methodically) take up space in this “superstore” warehouse of savings. I look for a “fast forward” button on her “I CAN HELP!” smiley face button, but no luck.

Meanwhile, the crowd begins to stir. Tempers flare. People begin to take out their frustrations on each other.

Shopper #1; “Hey! Quit falling asleep on my shoulder!”

Shopper #2: “Relax, I’ve been here 16 hours! Besides, you sat on my son 3 hours ago, and I had to call the paramedics!

Shopper #3: “Hey, shut up up there! I’m trying to get some sleep!”

Shopper #1: “Did you say SHUT UP??! You wanna piece of me??!!”

Shopper #3: “Bring it on, chump!!!”

Shopper #1: “Okay…I will….uh, hey, Grandma is that YOU??”

Shopper #3: “Oh, hello Rudy. Yes, it’s me. How long you been here?”

Shopper #1: “17 hours. Hey, did you like that blouse I gave you for Christmas?”

Shopper #3: “Didn’t fit. I’m here to return it.”

So who wants to put up with all THAT? But alas, we have to. We always seem to get those “things” on Christmas Day that necessitate this (very very painful) experience.

This experience often leads to the following conversation:

Patient to psychiatrist: “I guess I started feeling like strangling people is when I had to stand in line at the “Supercenter” for 19 hours, when a fat woman sat on my son….”

Lastly, the THIRD requirement for the Day After Christmas:

3. Keep the kids from strangling each other because they are “bored”.

How on earth can this happen? The day AFTER Christmas, the kids will inevitably claim they are “bored”. The day AFTER they receive an ipod which they promptly filled with all sorts of tunes (“But Dad, it’s all music I already HAD! I need to go online and spend $600 on tunes that I’ll get bored of TOMORROW!”). The day AFTER they got a new Game Boy game (“But Dad, I already go to level 17, and then the game started OVER!”) The day AFTER they got a basketball (“But Dad, it’s RAINING outside! If you’d get off the computer you’d KNOW that!”) The day AFTER they drew chalk drawings on the wall using fireplace ashes.

Sheesh. What does it take to keep today’s kids ENTERTAINED? This “boredom experience” has often lead to the following conversation:

Patient to psychiatrist: “I guess I started torturing innocent animals was when Dad wouldn’t let us doing anything EXCITING after Christmas…..”
Well, I have it all figured out:

The (bored) kids will clean the house (that’s basically why we have them anyway, isn’t it? To do stuff for us parents?). After that, they’ll take our returns to THAT store and use them as “place markers” in the returns line. I’ll give them a quarter to use in the pay phone to call me when we’re number two in line. That will give me enough time to eat dinner, wash the car, stop by the dry cleaner and get to THAT store in time for the return process, which will take approximately 45 minutes. Man, I’m a genius!

Suddenly, this day doesn’t seem so bad.

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