Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Well folks, Christmas is almost here, and like you, I’m scrambling.

With two kids around the house, the biggest challenge lies in trying to HIDE the gifts as you buy them. Somehow, as a parent, I’m under some really twisted false illusion that my kids will not find the gifts that I have stashed all around the house. Where do you put those “oversized” items where they can’t possibly find them?

Child #1: “Hey look sissy! Mom and Dad hid this 18-speaker boom box system under this rug!”
Child #2: “Man, that’s lame. Who could miss it?”

Child #1: “Maybe it’s not for us. Maybe it’s from Mom to Dad.”

Child #2: “Don’t let the “this gift is from Mom to Dad!” note, written in Dad’s handwriting, fool you. It’s definitely for me.”

Child #1: “Or ME!”

Child #2: “Yeah, whatever. Let’s take it out and PLAY it! Where’s Dad’s old MC Hammer CD?”

Meanwhile, the parents are sitting smug thinking the Christmas-morning surprise is still intact. Until….the (hidden?) box under the rug is inspected. Then it’s clear that the kids have been snooping. The tell-tale sign is the instruction manual that’s been left outside the box, and the six thousand styrofoam bits and pieces all over the floor.

How do you handle that as a parent? I’ll tell you how. Just how my parents dealt with it: TAKE IT BACK. Get a store credit for some future purchase, like dog food. Meanwhile, Christmas morning comes along and the kids await “the big surprise”.

“Hey Dad, is that the LAST gift?” (winking at brother)

“Yep, that’s it! Merry Christmas you guys!”

“uh, riiiight. C’mon Dad, where’s the LAST gift?”

“That’s it, honey. No more”.

I guess it was about New Years Day when I realized “Dad aint foolin!” I guess he taught me.

From that time on, I would literally trip over the gifts stuffed under rugs, behind some furniture or in the garage. I’d keep on goin’ baby. Nosiree, didn’t see a thing. My parents were happy, and of course, (most importantly) I was happy!

But alas, as a parent, I seem to think I am capable of hiding the gifts much better than my folks did. Yep, I have that covered. I hide those things so well that, well….I can’t find them when it ‘s time to wrap them.

Every year, about this time, my house gets one of those cable-channel home-improvement type of cleanings. This does not occur because it necessarily NEEDS to be cleaned. It occurs because I can’t find those $%^#@!! gifts!! I tear things out of my closet, I reorganize my garage, and move all the furniture. But no, I cannot find all of the gifts that I was sure I bought.

Every year, about EASTER, I find three or four Christmas gifts that I had looked for the previous December. I could give them to my kids right away. Being a WORLD CLASS CHEAPSKATE, however, I hide them again for the NEXT Christmas. But alas, the hiding spot is so good that I find them again during Easter, about 6 years later.

“Gee, Dad. You got me a Holly Hobby Junior Jewelry Making Kit. Uh, thaaanks.”

“No problem honey, I saw it and JUST HAD to get it for you. I hope you enjoy making your own Holly Hobby jewelry!” (proud grin).

“Uh, yeah, Dad. Um, tell you what. When I finish my college degree next semester, I’ll have alot more time to…do…that.”

(Awkward stares all around…except for Dad of course. He’s still grinning proudly.)

My situation is a little MORE complicated (imagine that!)

My (smokin’ hot) wife’s birthday is December 21st. (OH MY GOSH!! THAT’S TODAY!!! OH NO!!!)

Okay I’m back now. It’s very hard to find a birthday gift when it’s 4 days before Christmas. Do you think she’ll like a Frosty the Snowman snowglobe? Hey, c’mon!! She’s CANADIAN!!

Which brings me back to my original point. How can a (clueless) guy like me not only hide Christmas gifts from his kids, but a birthday gift from his WIFE?? Where can a guy hide something where his wife will never find it? Here is one idea:
–>Near the oil dispstick in the car, even if the red OIL LIGHT is on and blinking.

This SOUNDED like a good idea. The thing I hadn’t considered, however, is that the engine gets VERY HOT.

Does anyone know how to remove a melted plastic cookbook holder from the top of an engine?

I hope my wife understands that when she needs to prop her cookbook up, she’ll need to go to the car and pop the hood.

The lesson? Choose your hiding spots wisely, try to remember where they are, and DON’T DRIVE AT ALL until the “big day”.

Otherwise, let your kids in on the plan. Tell them you’re going to hide the gifts, where you’ll hide them, and if they stand ANY chance of getting them Christmas morning, they’ll leave them alone.

So far, so good. No styrofoam bits anywhere, and the owner’s manual is nowhere in sight. At least, I don’t THINK it is. See, I can’t exactly remember where I hid that thing.

Merry Christmas!

–Dave