Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Musings from a warped mind…

The Earth to Dave! Guide to New Year’s Resolutions.

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 10:07 pm on Thursday, December 28, 2006

New Year’s Day is fast approaching, and you know what that means: time to buckle down and make those New Year’s Resolutions.

Who ever came up with New Year’s resolutions? Have any historians, scientists or archeologists ever searched for clues to the origins of these ridiculous acts? Perhaps they go back to the caveman days where Thor and his wife Wilma were searching for a way to quit…uh, smoking. (Hey, that’s the best that I could come up with. They probably smoked banana leaves or something. Work with me here.)

Thor and Wilma tried everything. They tried “the patch”, which back then was a large fig leaf that you would shove in your mouth. Eventually, though, they’d swallow the leaf to have a smoke. Next they tried the caveman equivalent of “nicotene gum.” Because they knew nothing of nicotene back then, they’d shove a wad of Brontosaurus blubber in their mouth and chew away (eeeww). That didn’t last either, though. The Brontosaurus blubber was WAY too hard to get, and besides, that led to Thor and Wilma gaining extreme weight. This would lead to FURTHER resolutions.
Something had to be done. Thor had an idea:

Thor: Ugh. (“Hey, this has to stop. We look like fat beached whales and I’m afraid I’m going to die of emphysema”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“Who are you calling fat?!”)

Thor: Ugh. (“Uh, not you, my little hubcap. I mean, uh, ME. But don’t you care about our health? Something has to be done!”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“You’re right. What are we to do? I’m just not feeling myself. I used to have way more energy. When I take Dino for a walk, I run out of breath easily. When I do my rock-stepper machine, I can only go 30 seconds. I couldn’t believe it! I’m getting old, honey. We’re both getting old. Have you ever thought about what it’s going to be like when we’re in the assisted-living cave? I cannot believe how time flies. I was talking to Betty the other day and she’s really starting to show wrinkles. I hope I don’t get wrinkles like Betty! Don’t tell her I said that. She’d be crushed! I think we need to paint the cave. Do you like “taupe”? But anyway, I just need to stop this smoking. I’ve GOT to shed some pounds. Plus, do you think I look fat in this leopard skin??”)

Thor:(with “deer in the headlights look”) Ugh. (“No. Uh, no fat. Look good. Real, uh…good”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“Maybe we should start the New Year with a New Year’s Resolution to stop smoking and lose weight!”)

Thor: Ugh. (“Good idea. What’s a New Year’s Remolooshun?”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“Ugh!”)

So there it is. The FIRST New Year’ Resolution. Thor and Wilma shed the pounds, quit smoking (“cold-pterodactyl”) and lived to be 900 years old. Their legacy, however, was in the forming of the first New Year’s Resolution.

So how do YOU do on your resolutions? Me? I’ve got it figured out. I NEVER do well in keeping them. This used to bother me but one day it dawned on me: I’m setting my goals WAY too high. Instead, I should be more realistic in my resolutions. Yes, that’s it! Set the bar a little lower, but high enough to achieve something! Man, I’m a genius.

So in that spirit, I would like to present to you my

Top-10 New Year’s Resolutions for 2007:

10. I resolve to never shave while driving in my car (why do guys do that?? Are they really pressed for time that badly??).

9. I resolve to never ever reach in and clean the grass clippings while the lawn mower is still running.

8. I resolve to never wear those stupid bluetooth thingies attached to my ear and look like a complete moron.

7. I resolve to never push an old lady into the street in front of a street sweeper.

6. I resolve to quit belching the alphabet to impress my wife.

5. I resolve to never pay money to go in and get sprayed with some toxic yellow chemical that is supposed to make me look like I have nothing better to do than vacation, lay on the beach, and get a NATURAL (??) tan.

4. I resolve to stop shoving those little styrofoam “peanuts” up my nose and blowing them at the Pastor while he’s preaching his sermon. (This one is going to be REALLY hard to keep.)

3. I resolve to stop turning my eyelids inside out with my son “Scooter” to impress his teacher and friends.

2. I resolve to quit “snorting” a noodle up my nose and “hawking” it back through my throat so I can play “look at the noodle coming out of my throat and nose” trick (that’s a hit at the parties, by the way, so I’m really going all out here.)

and the number 1 Earth to Dave! New Year’s Resolution?

1. I resolve to quit making stupid New Year’s Resolutions.

Now, I’m pretty confident that I can KEEP these resolutions. Can you say that about YOURS? What do you mean you’re not going to make New Year’s Resolutions this year??!! Remember Thor and Wilma and their many sacrifices they made just so we could make these empty promises? (Don’t forget, Thor was the first guy to have to lie to his wife and tell her the leopard skin DIDN’T make her look fat! C’mon guys, you know what that’s like…Thor’s our man. We OWE it to Thor.)

I’d like to challenge you to not only make your resolutions, but share your TOP resolution with the Earth to Dave! readers.

So let’s see those comments, and remember:

Aim low.

I’d like to wish each one of you a VERY Happy New Year!

–Dave

P.S. Use the “Comments” function to post YOUR resolutions below! Click “Comments” below to share your resolution. You must be registered and logged in to Earth to Dave! to comment. If you’re not a member, whaddap??? Click “Register”————————————–over here———————————->

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7 Comments »

28

Comment by garrybopp

December 30, 2006 @ 11:49 am

Dave,

I have a sure-fire, can’t miss type of New Year’s Resolution:

I hereby resolve to read “Earth to Dave” regularly!

How am I doing so far?

Garry

29

Comment by Dave

December 30, 2006 @ 1:27 pm

Garry, We have a winner! Your resolution is not only ATTAINABLE, but is, in fact, a lofty and noble goal. It is without a doubt the best “reader resolution” that I have read.

Actually, it’s the ONLY one I’ve read. Where is everyone?

Perhaps you need to motivate others with your resolution Garry. Maybe you could produce a highly-motivational DVD series which would not only motivate people to pay off their house, sell foreclosed real estate for HUGE PROFITS, but also to read “Earth to Dave!” on a regular basis.

I cannot imagine a more well-rounded person.

Let me know when the DVD’s are done. I’m in for a set.

–Dave

P.S. Perhaps on your infomercial you can offer a “But wait! Buy now and get a ride in one of Garry’s race cars!” Whaddya think? (We might have to sweeten the pot. I’m not sure a DVD featuring…me….will sell at all….)

I

30

Comment by floralhater

January 1, 2007 @ 6:08 pm

Dave, After seeing you dance around in an elf costume, I’m not so sure about the dvd’s either….I’ve been on vacation with my family, ma-in-law, sis-in-law, bro-in-law and 3 year old nephew in Panama City for 5 days. We just got back today and I’m rejoicing in the quiet!! I had forgotten how a 3 year old can be. My youngest is 8, and she’s a grown up in comparison to my nephew! We went on this vacation last year the week between Christmas & New Years, and repeated it this year. It’s a good time, but exhausting. I haven’t even thought of resolutions much yet, and now that the 1st is almost over, I feel “off the hook” about having to come up with any!! Another relief….I hope you had a good new years eve celebration!!!

31

Comment by Dave

January 1, 2007 @ 9:04 pm

Floral,
Happy New Year. Sounds like you could use some rest! Now, during those restful times, you need to come up with YOUR resolutions. There’s no excuse for starting the New Year right….we’ll be patient.

I’m sure YOU, of all people, can SURELY come up with some very witty resolution to share with the Earth to Dave! readers….

We’ll be anxiously awaiting……

–Dave

P.S. And the REST of you out there….we’re waiting for YOU too!

32

Comment by floralhater

January 2, 2007 @ 1:26 pm

I’ve been thinking hard about what I might “resolute” and one of the guys I work with just had his shoulder operated on. He said something about how hard it is to wipe himself with his left hand. That got me thinking. What if something happened to my right side? It could be crushed by falling meteorites or something and would I want someone else to have to “handle things” for me? NO! So, I’m going to start working on doing things with my left hand.

Also, I am going to vow to get my taxes done before April 15th. The last 3 years I haven’t been able to accomplish it until October…..YIKES!!!

33

Comment by Dave

January 2, 2007 @ 10:33 pm

Floral,

I will join you in your “doing things with your left hand” resolution. Starting, well, right NOW!

typoijmnh with myt left habnd isv alotr tougher thabn i thought. in factv this really isvnnt wqeorkuing at all.,

Okay that didn’t work. OH NO!! I’ve already broken my resolution!! I’m typing with BOTH hands.

I’m a failure.

Thanks alot Floral. Hope you do better.

I’m going to go wipe my nose. With my RIGHT hand.

–Dave

34

Comment by floralhater

January 3, 2007 @ 8:03 am

Dave – I appreciate the gallant effort. I am going to pursue this resolution with gusto. Maybe. Yes, I am. Just in case, I am adding all the textbook resolutions as well; lose weight, actually GO to the gym, quit smoking, be nice to people, drink more water, blah blah blah…..

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