February is right around the corner, and we men know what THAT means: Valentines Day will soon be here.
This time of year strikes fear in the heart of every man. Sometime between boyhood and manhood, each of us has learned of the significance of this day. Expectations of the females run high, and from the elementary school days on, the boys and men realize that we can either “hit a homer” or “strike out” in humiliating fashion.
Historians have traced this holiday back to the dawn of time. Adam endlessly plowed away in the field while Eve stayed home, eating bon-bons and watching soap operas (assuming they had local broadcast coverage and Adam had installed an antenna on the highest rock of their cave). Being the hard worker that he was, Adam rose early every morning and arrived home late (after all, he owned his own business but there was nobody around to sell to yet). In no time at all, Eve felt neglected.
Being a woman, she had a choice: she could DEAL WITH IT, or come up with a better plan. Yep, she went with a better plan. (Seeing as how my lovely bride may read this, and I have not eaten dinner yet today, I will withhold further comment about this until such time as I have either eaten a LOT, or plan on not eating at all.) Eve decided to “cook up” a holiday which would require Adam to prove his unending love for his wife, and his promise to never leave her for another (which was easy, since at this “dawn of time”, there WERE NO OTHERS. But alas, Eve, being a woman, felt the need to be reassured anyway. Not that there’s anything WRONG with that. Yes honey, pizza sounds great.) Eve would require proof of this devotion in the form of a gift. With this plan in mind, all she needed was a NAME for the holiday. She scribbled all of her ideas on the wall of the cave:
“Prove you love me or you’ll live to regret it day”. Nah, too threatening. True, but threatening.
“Give wife a gift that she’ll love, to show her you love her day”. Nah, too complicated.
“You’ll never ever find a gift good enough for ME day”. Hmmm…but I still want him to TRY. Better not discourage him.
and lastly, “Do you still love me, and “Do I look fat in this leaf?” day”. Gee, I probably don’t want to know.
Being a smart gal, Eve knew that Adam lacked the capacity to remember so many words for this holiday. It had to be “short and sweet”. One day, she thought of the PERFECT NAME:
But after careful consideration, she decided it sounded too “red-necky” and would be better suited for a song, which she composed later.
Liking the name enough to not give up on it, Eve decided to adapt it to “Valentines Day”, after her favorite designer Valentino. Perhaps this name might inspire Adam to give her some of Valentino’s trend-setting Magnolia leaf fashions.
But alas, Adam set the bar rather low. Once notified of the new holiday, Adam promptly…forgot about it. One early morning as Eve prepared a hearty breakfast of Brontosaurus eggs, she reminded Adam that the day had finally arrived–it was “Valentines Day”! This was the day that Adam was expected to demonstrate his unwavering love for his wife. And yes, she would reciprocate. The pressure was on: not only did Adam have to “deliver”, but Eve would undoubtedly double the pressure with a thoughtful and heartfelt gift of her love.
After a day of running around in a panic, Adam arrived home to a candlelit dinner in the cave. After a delicious meal, it was TIME. Eve presented to Adam a hand-made cloak of the finest Sabre-toothed Tiger fur, with buttons hand-carved from the ivory tusks of a Wooly Mammoth that she stalked, hunted and killed on her own.
Adam gave Eve a rock that he found on his way home.
The rest, as they say, is history.
So in the spirit of this story, I would like to point out that many stores have capitalized on this holiday and man’s innate ability to by typically clueless and “drop the ball” on this opportunity to score BIG POINTS with his woman. Rather than HELP us, they are out to EXPLOIT our inability to do the right thing. This can be evidenced in any advertisement for Valentines Day that you’d find in your local paper.
As evidence of the above, and in closing, I’d like to share MY top five choices for a Valentines Day gift for my wife, as found in a major drug store advertisement. (These are very typical choices offered to men, and I dare say that most of us would find them to be FINE gifts to give our loved one…much like Adam did with his rock.)
1. The “Heart Shaped Plastic Laundry Basket”, which looks like a standard plastic laundry basket except it’s heart shape. Apparently the inventor finally came up with a way to remind his wife of his love…every time she folds his underwear. How can you go wrong?
2. The “Valentine Window Clings”. Imagine your wife’s surprise when she finds these delightful “I love you” window clings on her vanity mirror, shower door, toilet bowl and rear view mirror on Valentines Day. What MORE could she ask for??
3. Ah yes, the “Valentine Plush Gorilla”:
NOTHING says “I love you and still find you attractive” like a stuffed gorilla! A sure-fire way to erase ANY doubt in your wife’s mind!
4. And then there is the “Heart Shaped Wreath with die-cut designs”. When in doubt, invoke the spirit of Christmas, which everyone finds joyful and never gets enough of! In fact, since stores begin stocking their shelves for Christmas around the time of Valentines Day, this is a “no-brainer”! Imagine your wife’s delight in knowing that she’ll be the ENVY of the neighborhood wives when she hangs the “Valentines Wreath” on the front door! She’s the trend-setter, and you are the hero! Can life get any better?? I submit that it cannot.
5. Lastly, my favorite:
The “Singing Plush Hound Dog” which stands at an impressive 11 inches! This show-stopper sports sunglasses and a guitar. It even sings Elvis’ famous song “Hound Dog”! If ever in doubt on what to give your lady for Valentines Day, try to find an item that not only insinuates that she is a “dog” (or at least reminds you of one), but actually tells her “You aint nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time…”. Yes, that’s it!
Consider it sold.
So on this Valentines Day, I expect that again I may end up being the one crying. It’s okay. I have come to expect it. My wife deserves the best that money can buy, but I can’t help myself. I’m a doofus. I’m just following in the steps of my forefathers…since the dawn of time.
P.S. READERS! Let’s hear from you! What’s the best (or better yet, WORST) Valentines Day gift that you’ve ever given, or received? Register, log in and post your comments below!
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