Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Musings from a warped mind…

(A rare SERIOUS moment…*gasp!*)
Earth to Dave! is heading to HAITI !

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 10:15 pm on Thursday, February 15, 2007

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Dear Readers,

Putting aside all (wacko) humor for just a minute, I wanted to let you know that I will be away for a week with my family while we travel with others (from Georgia, Alabama and California) down to the country of Haiti to minister to some orphans there. This ministry involves months of planning and my lovely wife (and both kids) have had a passion for the orphans of Haiti for some time now. They have been down there twice, while this will be my first trip.

Since the time of inception, this trip has blossomed and grown to proportions never imagined. We began plans to take the children out of their orphange (in the dangerous neighborhood where it is located) and to a Nazarene seminary where we will put on a week-long “camp”. This will be, for many of the kids, the first opportunity for them to run, play and feel safe while having their medical, physical and spiritual needs met. Many of the kids have slept on the concrete and routinely put up with conditions that most of us would find despicable. Additionally, two smaller orphanages begged us to be involved and the size of the group of kids has grown to approximately 200!

We will be away for a week, so expect my next “musing” during the week of Feb. 25th. In the meantime, if you care to send up a prayer for us, we’d appreciate it…Haiti is a VERY dangerous place, but we’re not worried. We have someone way bigger than us looking out for us all.

Thanks, God bless, and in the meantime, KEEP SMILING!

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P.S. Here’s a picture of my fabulous babe wife with one of her favorite kids in Haiti, Mario.

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An Earth to Dave! tribute to
“The Underdog”…

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 11:35 pm on Monday, February 12, 2007

Dear readers,

Have you ever felt like you just didn’t fit in? Were you harassed as a young child, taunted and teased, made to feel like you were of less value than your peers? Were you made fun of, spit on and beat up, being called “butt ugly” and a “dog”? Were you ever made to feel like you were the “human equivalent” of this:

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Oh…you….weren’t? Oh. Well, uh, me neither.

Okay, well, anyone who knew me as a kid will agree that I was a “late bloomer”. I was the smallest kid in class and the shyest one too. Some would think that I am now, in my adult years, making up for the lost fun of my childhood. Let’s face it: kids can be BRUTAL.

After years (or perhaps hours, maybe even just minutes) of extensive research, I have determined that children have an innate desire to massively humiliate each other. Why does this happen? I believe it is because of one thing:

Girls.

Okay, now I am sure that I’ll receive some hate mail over this, but my extensively minor research indicates that, if it weren’t for the quest for the attention of the girls, little boys would spend endless hours making paper airplanes, wrestling and playing tic-tac-toe. But when a girl waltzes by and batts those long eyelashes at the boys, something SNAPS inside some of them. I call this condition “CSI“: the “CRUSH Someone Instinct“, that is, boys instictively want to CRUSH someone else because of their boyish CRUSH on a girl. By the way, this syndrome is especially prevalent in Miami. That would make it the “CSI: Miami” syndrome.

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Now some might argue that my theory falls apart when confronted with the fact that there are often GIRL bullies. How would I explain this? Easy.

Hormones.

Because I believe God has a terrific (albeit perhaps warped) sense of humor, he designed girls to be very “chemical” creatures. In the blink of an eye, a very happy and sweet little girl can be filled with fits of confused rage mixed with sadness, all because of some strange little chemical reaction in the brain of said girl. At the onset of this reaction, someone will either be:

1. Pummeled

2. Yelled at, or

3. Made to feel rotten for doing something very nondescript for upsetting her and making her cry.

I call this “HMS“: that is, “Hormonal Monster Syndrome.”

Regardless of the race, ethnicity and sex of the individual, my extensive minute research indicates that each person has these tendencies to beat on each other. You might think I have narrowed the blame of these tendencies squarely on the shoulders of the female population. You are not imagining things. Why would I make such a dangerous and non-politically correct statement?

Simple. Because I am a guy, and I couldn’t possibly accept responsibility for the sad state of affaris that we find our children (and yes, ourselves) in. Plus, we guys stick together. (And I figure the chances are greater that women will be more apt to forgive me for said statements, chalking it up to “another clueless guy”, whereas men might actually want to, you know…pummel me. I try to think these things through before I come out and say stupid stuff.)

So, one would hope that these tendencies in children would be understood, harnessed and controlled as they get older. The fact is, however, that they are not only controlled but INTENSIFIED.

I witnessed this on a regular basis with my two older sisters.

As the youngest of three, I learned that I had to tread lightly around my (very hormonal) and teenage sisters. I remember once I did….the unthinkable. Yep, I looked at my sister Diane. (Yeah, that’s right. I just LOOKED at her. What the HECK was I thinking??!!)

I will never forget that day as long as I live. Due to the concussion, I don’t really remember much, but I do remember finding clumps of my hair in the hallway, and having my teeth capped later that day at the dentist. I believe it was for the best, however, as Diane made something of herself and became a Dental Hygenist. I’d like to think it’s because she was dragged along on that trip to the dentist and she played with the drill while the dental assistant went to develop the x-rays. (I just wish she hadn’t practiced on my FACE.) Regardless, I take credit for her successful career. Plus I get free toothbrushes whenever I want. Can life get any better?? (As you can tell, I am a very POSITIVE person…always looking for the good in things. It’s a gift. I can’t help it. My Mom and Dad trained me this way. I hated it at the time, but I guess it’s a good thing. I still have nightmares about it and it really bothers me though. I get angry just thinking about it. Anyway, like I said, I’m very positive.)

Another time, I made the mistake of accidentally mentioning on purpose that my middle sister, Debbie, had snuck out of the house to see a movie with her “don’t tell Mom and Dad he’s my boyfriend or I’ll kill you” boyfriend. The next day, she rained on my like a Georgia thunderstorm.

Of course it’s safe to say that I was just an innocent bystander during both of these unfortunate events. It’s also safe to say that these tragic situations took place because of “HMS”, and for no other reason (that I can think of at least).

I would also like to make note of the fact that I have seen HMS exhibited in my own home, by my own wife, but that would not be very smart, would it? So I will not. (By the way, is it normal for a wife to cry when the husband asks “what’s for dinner?” Oh. Never mind.)

My extensively small research also indicates that most world wars come as a result of grudges that started on the playground. So parents, be warned: you might think it’s “cute” when your little Johnny calls the other kid a “socialist neo-conformist” as he beats that kid’s head into the Playdoh Pizza on the table, but remember, Johnny may be unwittingly fueling a nuclear arms conflict. Instead, you might encourage him to play in the sandbox, where the girls hang out. At least there he’ll just get hollered at, or maybe even cried on.

So to you underdogs out there, I salute you. You’re just innocent bystanders and the whipping boys of creation. The sooner you realize that women run the show, the quicker you’ll develop the required defense mechanisms necessary for your well-being and survival.

Plus, you’ll have plenty of time to practice making your own soup after asking “what’s for dinner?”

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