Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Musings from a warped mind…

An Earth to Dave! FLASHBACK:
“I’m SICK and TIRED of being…
SICK and TIRED…”


Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 1:10 pm on Thursday, March 29, 2007
(The following “classic” Earth to Dave! article first appeared
in a Georgia newspaper on April 29, 1998)

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I’m sick and tired. “Of what?” you may ask. Nothing in particular. I’m just SICK…and TIRED.

Let me explain, but first, let me say that I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. It’s just that I’m sure that I’m the only person who has ever felt this way, so I must share this experience with you.

It all started when I went to the mall recently. When I approached my car in the parking lot, I noticed something strange.

“All right!! Who threw a bag of cheese puffs on my car??!!” I shouted.

As I looked around for someone to jump out from behind some bushes shouting “Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!”, I saw…nothing.

Then a voice from the other side of the parking lot said,
“It’s not cheese puffs, moron. It’s POLLEN!!”

Okay, so I jumped the gun.

“I just moved here from California, OKAY??!” I shouted.

“That explains everything!” the little voice responded.

Well, being hard to convince, I bent down and put my face to the yellowish powder, forgetting that allergies had been a problem for me in the past. *Sniff sniff*. That, my friend is how it all began.

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Since that fateful day, things just haven’t been the same. At night I toss and turn in bed, sniffling sneezing, aching, coughing, stuffy head and a fever. All I want is rest. Isn’t there any kind of medicine for all of these symptoms? You’d think so.

I decided it was time for…the bell.

One way to scare my wife half do death is to mention…the bell. Whenever I need something brought to my bedside, I just ring this little bell. Easy enough.

Ring Ring Ring! “Sweetie, I need some tissues”

Ring Ring Ring! “Honey, my throat hurts. Can you please run up to Athens to get me some of those hard-to-find throat lozenges?”

Ring Ring Ring! “Dear, could you change the oil in the cars? This time, don’t forget to use 10W40, okay?”

Ring Ring Ring! “Lovey, the lawn really needs mowing. Don’t forget the edges too!”

(That reminds me. My beautiful wife grew up actually ENJOYING mowing the lawn. Can you believe that? “Hey Mikey, she LIKES it!” My attitude since we’ve been married, and had a lawn, has always been “Go for it baby”. This has worked great for both of us, since she enjoys herself, and I have learned to make iced tea. I drink the tea, she mows the lawn. Life is good.)

Now, before you go e-mailing me, accusing me of being a bad husband, let me say this: I share my tea…if there’s any left. Thank you very much.

Anyway, I was gone last week and my sweetie decided to mow the lawn. Apparently the neighbors were aghast. Is this against ancient Georgian tradition? We are out-of-towners and don’t want to insult these traditions. Perhaps the Georgian forefathers issued an edict saying “No wife shall be found on a John Deere mower”. Someone help me out here. If we are bucking tradition, we must know. But I digress…

“The bell” has seen it’s last days. My sinus ailment became worse, later resulting in the need to have the bell surgically removed from my nasal passages. Well, I have learned that life here in Georgia is not conducive to swift recoveries from colds and flues. I have found numerous bags of those cheese puff pollen things on everything I own. Lately, I have heard a lot about things called “mold spores”. After much research, I have concluded that my symptoms persist because of the cumulative effect of all of our refrigerators. Let me explain.

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“Mold spores” are a direct result of refrigerator cleanliness. They come from the fuzzy green stuff that grows on your fruits, vegetables, and Aunt Molly’s leftover meatloaf shoved to the back of the fridge. Every time said refrigerator is opened, the resultant “vacuum” sucks said mold spores into the open air, free to find my nasal passages. Mold spores are equipped with high-tech navigational systems and capabilities that don’t rest until my nasal passages are “locked on” and a successful “docking” has been accomplished. These same spores have been studied by NASA and are largely responsible for the success of the Space Shuttle program.

So, as soon as we all clean our refrigerators, my symptoms will cease and I will be well enough to take my gorgeous, incredibly loving and patient wife to a fancy restaurant (remember: I used “the bell”).

I am currently in talks with our local politicians and produce managers to form the “National Clean Your Fridge Day” (easily pronounced “NCYFD Day”). I have high hopes that we’ll rid ourselves of these EVIL mold spores.

“Hey Ruth, why are we cleaning our fridge, anyway?”

“Cuz some bonehead convinced Congress that it was a health safety issue. Something about NASA and some bell. Keep cleaning, Hal.”

In closing, your cooperation in cleaning your refrigerator would be appreciated. And every time you see a car with that yellow powder on it, use your finger and write the following into the back window:

“Clean your fridge!!”

Not only will the owner find this to be a pleasant surprise (over the totally LAME and YESTERDAY “wash me!”), this will help me, since I no longer have a bell to ring.

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Today’s weather forecast:
Partly cloudy with a sunshiney mix of occasional chances of precipatory showers and breezy mild conditions.
An Earth to Dave! lesson in “Weatherology”

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 9:32 pm on Tuesday, March 20, 2007

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Yesterday I arrived home from work with a long “to do” list running in my head. In an effort to make the best use of my time, I consulted the weather forecast for today. This seems to make me feel better. I will be fully informed and able to factor in the “atmospheric conditions” when accomplishing my required tasks.

Or, not.

You see, ever since the dawn of time, man has tried to predict the weather. When Adam and Eve wanted to go for a camel ride (what? don’t you think they went camel riding? How do you think they got to the bowling alley?) they would use whatever they had available to determine the appropriate attire for their ride. (Yes, I said “attire”, as in a PALM LEAF versus a DAISY PETAL.) Adam would climb the tallest mountain, take in the view of the horizon, and make the (day-long) trek back to the bottom of the mountain, proudly announcing to Eve his “weather forecast”:

Adam: “It be sunny. We wear daisy petal.”

Eve: “Me like daisy petal.”

Adam: “Not as much as ME like YOU in daisy petal.”

Within hours, however, it would begin to rain. You see, as Adam began the trek down the mountain, the “atmosphere” (fancy meteorologist term for “air”) would change and become “unstable” from “orographic lift” (these are other fancy meterologist terms which, although they sound very impressive, mean nothing to me.) This change and orographic lifting stuff would make the supposedly sunshiney day become rather dismal. Eve was NOT happy:

Eve: “Me thought you said sun. Daisy petal drooping.”

Adam: “Yes, me like.”

Eve: (“wife stare”) (Just typing that makes me uncomfortable.)

Adam (sees “wife stare”, feels shivers up spine, resorts to flattery): “Me thinks you beautiful with hair soaking wet.”

Eve: (more dreaded “wife stare”)

The camel ride would continue in silence, with Adam being very aware of Eve’s displeasure with his failed “forecast”.

Eventually, Adam would figure it all out. The next time he climbed the mountain and returned, he would report the following:

Adam: “Weather unstable. Mostly sun with scattered times of clouds and rain. Chance of rain 20 to 90 percent. Otherwise, mild throughout Garden of Eden”.

Eve: “What is ‘percent‘?”

Adam (blank stare): “Uh…Weather unstable. Mostly sun with scattered times of clouds and rain. Chance of rain 20 to 90 percent. Otherwise, mild throughout Garden of Eden”.

Eve: (blank stare).

Adam (looking around): “You want go for elephant ride?”

Eve: “Me guess.”

The ride would be rather uneventful, interrupted by brief rain showers mixed with clouds and sun. Eve didn’t know what to think. All Adam knew was that he may have found the key to staying out of the “dog house”.

Thus began the “science” of weather.

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Have you ever stopped to consider what the weather man is actually TELLING you? What exactly is “partly sunny”? Do you have any idea what that means? Me neither. What about “mild”. What’s “mild” to me may not necessarily be “mild” to you. Heck, when I put an itty bitty bit of “mild” hot sauce on the very corner of my tortilla chip at the local Mexican restaurant, I must immediately wash it down with three gallons of water. The guy across from me, however, is asking for a PITCHER of the hot stuff. And that’s just for his KIDS. Yes, it’s all relative. Thus, the weather man is sitting pretty, just like Adam on the elephant.

Occasionally, the weather man seems to hit a “homer” with his report. He warns us of an oncoming storm, hurricane, or tornadoes. How does he do this? Easy.

The telephone. Still don’t get it? First, before I share with you the “trade secrets” of the weather “forecaster” that I learned from my brief experience as a traffic reporter on the radio (there really is no connection there, but work with me on this), I must tell you that news has already leaked within the “meteorological community” that I was about to “spill the beans”. This news has resulted in death threats and other violent behavior. Just yesterday, I had a weather map stuffed in my mailbox. On it was scrawled:

“If you tell everyone our secrets, there’s a 60 percent chance of heavy to partly bloody beatings with mostly mild concussions. Signed, weatherman forecaster guy.”

Not one to live in fear, however, I will not allow the hoodlums at the AMS deter me from speaking out. (You know, the AMS–the “American Meteorological Society”…that seal that every weatherperson boasts of but nobody really knows what it is? It’s a secret society of weatherpeople killers!)

So here it is. This is the way it works:

Weatherman in Sacramento calls Veronica the Weatherbabe in Phoenix: “Hello? Veronica? It’s Scooter. The weather here is VERY RAINY. The winds are kinda BLOWEY and the clouds are BOOMING. Pass it on.”

Veronica then spends endless minutes writing down this research, then appears live, on television, to deliver her report:

“Well, I hope you enjoyed the sun today because BIG CHANGES are in store for you! Yes, that’s right. The atmospheric conditions are “destabilizing” and a “frontal system” is approaching us from the west. Look for mostly cloudy skies, with rain showers probable, to include some gusty conditions and thunderstorms likely”.

Meanwhile, the viewing audience is astounded by the accuracy of Veronica the weather girl from the station that is “First in weather, traffic and news…Depend on it!”

The next day, Veronica the Weatherbabe in Phoenix calls Lance the AMS-certified (hoodlum) meteorologist in Denver:

Veronica: “Lance, it’s me, Veronica. It’s been really rainy and windy and some loud noises have come from the clouds. I think they’ve been banging together. It’s really scary!! Warn your viewers!! It’s coming your way!!

Lance: “Thanks Veronica! I will warn my viewers! Will the Rocky Mountain range provide orographic lift, further excacerbating the unstable air mass??”

Veronica: (stares into phone).

Lance: “Hello?”

Veronica: “Warn your viewers! I just heard lightning! I gotta go!”
(click. dial tone.)

And of course, Lance (your certified AMS (hoodlum) meterologist) provides his timely report:

“Folks, I cannot stress enough, you need to keep FOX88 News tuned in all day tomorrow! We’re “First in weather, traffic, and news…Depend on it!” Our FOX88 Orbital Satellite indicates a strong gusty rain frontal system approaching us from the west. Orographic lift will exacerbate the already unstable air mass, resulting in rain, wind and lightning. Stay indoors, keep the children inside, and…I cannot emphasize this enough…stay tuned to FOX88 News for minute-by-minute rainfall totals. This is a matter of life and death. This is Lance, your AMS-certified (hoodlum) meteorologist, over and out.”

And the cycle repeats, over and over. Occasionally you might find a weather forecast that is simply way off. You might wonder what happened. This is very simple to explain. One TV station may not like another. Thus, bad information is passed. It is very important for each station to find another, located west of them, that they can trust. This involves various bribes and payments, mostly in the form of free pizza.

In an effort to one-up a competing station in the same town, many have begun to tout their “Doppler Radar”. This sounds very impressive, but let me shed some light on this for you. These “Doppler Radar” towers are simply cell-phone towers with a TV sign strapped on them. They really don’t do anything, except make for a very impressive photograph, which the station uses in their marketing and promotional efforts. The cell phone company negotiates the use of their tower through various forms of payment, mostly in the form of free pizza. The fancy radar-like images they show you are just computer animations created by someone’s kid nephew, as he alternately animates and chats online with undercover police officers in chat rooms. It’s all very organized and highly secret.

Again, I say all of these things because of my desire to educate, and be fully truthful with, my readers. These trade secrets are highly guarded. I fully expect to suffer severe repercussions for disclosing this information. I might be attacked by an official AMS-certified (hoodlum) laser pointer, or perhaps have one of those little remote-control clicker-on-a-cord things wrapped around my neck (you know, the deal the AMS-certified meteorologist uses to click through the various computer-animated “Doppler Radar” images they show). If you hear of my demise and it involved any of these (very common) AMS-certified and sponsored death squad techniques, please alert the authorities. Tell them to look for the weather map death threat that I have hidden under my mattress along with my life savings of tens of thousands of dollars. (Dang I’m smart. I have thought of EVERYTHING.)

Lastly, remember this: the AMS-certified (hoodlums) are behind everything. There are secret codes everywhere which will dictate how you live life, or at least how you look at weather. Consider this: “Doppler Radar” spelled backwards is:

“Relppod Radar”. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Now that you’re educated, don’t let them fool you. Call a friend or relative out west. Cut out the middle man, and enjoy the weather.

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