Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

The other day I found myself driving and pondering life. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping. I had my Dr. Pepper in hand (ding ding ding! Shameless Plug!) Life was good.

Then, it happened. I glanced up in my rear view mirror and saw it. Headlights.

On my bumper was “Jethro” in his jacked-up 4×4 truck, apparently running REALLY late for the fishing tournament. Or perhaps there was a huge sale at the Bass Pro Shop (you can’t blame him…apparently there is a rubber worm embargo going on. You better get there quick, if you stand ANY chance of getting the bait of choice here in the Deep South.)

At that point, I had a choice to make. Do I pull over and let Jethro by, or let him go around me? These moral dilemmas sometimes get the best of me. But alas, since Jethro had a GUN RACK, and the GUN RACK had a GUN, it was an easy decision to make. Moving over into the next lane, Jethro passed me before I had even made it into my lane. The Ranger bass boat veered wildly as he approached the speed of sound.

Several minutes later I exited the freeway. At the end of the off-ramp was a line of vehicles awaiting their turn. Yep, you guessed it: there he was, right in front of me. Jethro and his rig.

Apparently his broken sound barrier got him on the ramp exactly 15 seconds before me.

Research indicates that the average American will spend approximately 82,000 hours driving a vehicle. This statistic comes from a reliable source: me. I could have spent countless seconds, or even (*gasp!*) MINUTES researching this fact, but I am confident that my figure is just as accurate. Plus, it’s alot easier this way.

How you SPEND these hours is critical. You could be like Jethro, focused solely on GETTING THERE. Or, you can make better use of your time. Like the guy in the photo above. Why just DRIVE, when you can eat? Why just EAT, when you can drive and eat with CHOPSTICKS?

Yes, you can spend your time wisely be doing things like shaving, reading, writing, talking on your cell phone, or shampooing the dog. Don’t let this idle time go to waste! Take part in what I call:

MULTI-TASKING.

You may have heard this term before. Do not be fooled. I made this term up years ago. When? While driving, of course.

“Multi-tasking” started when I was driving one day. I had a bit of a slow start one morning. It began the night before when I forgot to set my alarm. The next morning, I woke up suddenly when, after a very nice long sleep (despite going to bed late), I felt the warm sun on my face. It was a very sudden and abrupt awakening. I call it a “PIA-PET” (Panic-Induced Awakening Prior to Extreme Terror). The “PIA-PET” was the result of my being late for my job.

At the time, I was working with a traffic reporter in Sacramento, “Commander Bill”. Bill is great guy & a legend in Sacramento. He was a long-time fixture in the traffic and media business there. I was flying with Bill when, due to temporary medical issues, he needed a licensed pilot to fly with him as he did the morning and afternoon traffic reports. He took great pride his accuracy and reliability (we’ll get to that in a minute.)

So, my “PIA-PET” was a result of the fact that I knew Commander Bill would be waiting on my (very late) arrival to the airport. He’d no-doubt be doing his traffic reports from his “mobile unit” (radio talk for “car”) until I arrived. I later learned that he was not only doing his report as usual, but he’d end the report with something along the lines of:

“And Dave, if you’re listening to this, you had better get your butt to the airport, cuz I’m waiting for you!! This is Commander Bill, in the mobile unit, because my doofus pilot must have overslept, for Sacramento’s morning news, KFBK!” (or something like that. I wasn’t really listening. I was “multi-tasking”.)

That morning, I lept out of the bed and unknowingly taught myself how to “multi-task”. (It was then that I made up this term.) Within seconds, I was in my car (or maybe it was on my motorcycle…I can’t remember.) In the 40 minutes, I was able to accomplish the following tasks while driving:

*Shower (using windshield washer “jet-action”)

*Change underwear (this was necessary from the PIA-PET.)

*Change out of my Snoopy jammies and into flight gear (basically jeans and t-shirt, but “flight gear” sounds alot more impressive).

*Brush my teeth (using coffee mug, but there was obviously no coffee in it. Duh! I had Dr. Pepper.)

*Blow-dry (head out of window) and comb my hair.

*Realize I had a bad case of “bed head”, so I gave myself a hair cut, using my “Flow Bee” (that is a different article).

*Use mouth wash because the Dr. Pepper and toothpaste didn’t really help here. Unfortunately, the car next to me did not much appreciate my spitting the mouthwash out onto his windshield. (I hope he had insurance, as I was unaware that a combination of mouth wash and bright sunlight on a windshield apparently severely restricts visability and results in fiery crashes.)

*Madly attempt to contact Commander Bill on my suitcase-sized “mobile phone”. This was a first generation “mobile phone” which required cranking a large handle, shutting off all unnecessary electronics in my vehicle (due to the current draw and resulting loss of power to provide spark to the engine), and erecting a large satellite dish on the roof of my 1972 Chevrolet Vega. After all this, Bill did not answer his mobile phone. Apparently he was busy telling tens of thousands of his listeners that “Dave Buck is a schmuck and no-good lazy bum who is running late and keeping me in a vehicle instead of my aircraft which, up until now, has NEVER missed a flight”, or something like that.)

*Shampoo my dog. (Heck, might as well do SOMETHING productive while I drive to the airport! Sheesh.)

Eventually, I made it to the airport. Bill was not a happy camper. I couldn’t blame him. The flight was pretty tense. Between reports, Bill would glare at me. I was proud of him for biting his lip. The airborne exchanges went something like this:

Dave: Uh, um., uh, sorry Bill. I, uh, slept in. But the good news is I am REALLY RESTED!

Bill: (Glare)

Dave: Plus, I uh, learned to “multi-task” today. Not only that, I made up the term “multi-task” today. Isn’t that cool?

Bill: (Glare)

Dave: And I uhh, SHAMPOOED MY DOG!

Bill: (Glare)

Dave: Do you want me to….shampoo your dog?

Bill: (Glare)

Dave: (looking out the window at the neat little cars below) Wow, people look like little ants down there.

Bill: (Glare)

Eventually Bill broke the silence: “Davey, there are two things I want you to remember: ACCURACY and RELIABILITY. I pride myself on these things. I won’t bend on these things. Remember that, and we’ll go places, Tiger”.

Bill liked to call me “Tiger”. I would have preferred somethng like “Sport”, or even “Thunder”, but at this point “Tiger” was good…I was not in a position of “negotiating power”. This is a very complex term meaning I was in no position to complain. “Yes, I am Tiger. Tiger is good. I like Tiger. Here, Tiger, Tiger Tiger. Meow.”

I look back on this and realize what a valuable experience it was. Yes, I learned about accuracy and reliability. But the value came from my new-found talent of “multi-tasking”. This term has been borrowed and used extensively since that time, but remember me, “Tiger”, next time you use it.

A word of caution here: I am a trained professional! In order for YOU to possess these skills, you will need training:

Yes, FORMAL TRAINING from the “Easy Method Driving School” is a MUST. (Their telephone number is in the photo above, for your easy reference).

So the next time you’re tempted to speed up and race around other vehicles ahead of you, remember this: you might just end up in front of those cars at the end of the off-ramp. You’ll feel like a total IDIOT.

Instead, save your self-respect and make better use of the 84,000 hours you will probably spend in your vehicle. Write a letter, shave, shower, shampoo the dog, or even read a novel:

Or, you could strive for “accuracy and reliability” and call your employer, explaining you had a case of “PIA-PET” but that you are “multi-tasking” your way to work. He might be impressed, at least until he figures out exactly what you mean.

Regardless, remember you can one day be like the “Master Multi-Tasker”. One day, grasshopper, one day…

P.S. My sincere apologies to Bill “Commander Bill” Eveland, who, in the interest of “accuracy and reliability”, would point out that I probably embellished a slight bit, er…okay, alot…in my recollection of my late arrival that one day.

But he DID call me “tiger”.