Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Musings from a warped mind…

Watts the matter?
Steamed about gasoline, propane and other energy prices?
Earth to Dave! has the answer!

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 6:55 pm on Sunday, July 15, 2007

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I can’t take it any more. I just paid over $3 per gallon on fuel that makes my car’s engine ping worse than a Russian submarine (get it? Think about it….PING…like a submarine? Oh, never mind.)

What is up with these skyrocketing prices? Not being one to subscribe to conspiracy theories, I didn’t buy into these crazy reports of the oil companies working together to jack up prices so that they can make another gazillion dollars in profit….this quarter. But something recently changed my mind.

“What changed your mind, Dave?” you may ask.

“I was just going to tell you. Give me a minute to finish my story,” I would reply. (Just keeping it real here.)

I just saw an ad for this:

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Yes, that’s right. A radio that never needs batteries! You simply turn the attached crank approximately 862 times, and you have enough power to listen to two radio commercials, all without having to rely on batteries! Another 862 cranks, and you can listen to the classical song “Land Down Under” by the Turkish folk singers “Men at Work”, and POSSIBLY have enough power stored to get to the section where they sing about the “Vegemite Sandwich” which is, in fact, another name for spinach-and-dust mite sandwiches, a delicacy in that part of South America. How do I know this, you may ask? Because I’ve HAD one! Where, you may ask? When I was in captivity there. Why, you may ask? Because I was arrested. Why were you arrested, you may ask? Because I kept eating dust mites. Hey, you asked! Man, you sure ask a lot of questions.

Anyway, simply turning a crank allows you to generate power. Amazing! This invention will certainly change the course of mankind! Not being one to sit idly by while mankind’s course is being changed, I have decided to take a lead role in this endeavor. How, you may ask? I really wish you’d quit asking questions. Plus, I was about to tell you.

Imagine this: An AUTOMOBILE that does not need gas! (I know, they already have those. Quit interrupting me.) Imagine this same AUTOMOBILE doesn’t need to be plugged in to the electrical outlet in your garage before the batteries are charged. No sir! You just simply extend the crank handle, which is conveniently stowed under the Hot Wheels-sized spare tire in the trunk (which is under the fake wood floorboard thing, which is under all the groceries, the box of used clothing that you’ve been meaning to take to the Salvation Army for the last six months, and the car jack (which you never did figure out how to get back under the spare tire) and the set of golf clubs that you carry around just to impress the guys at work.)

After extending the handle, begin to violently crank it until it seems the world is spinning around you and you fall to the boiling hot pavement in exhaustion. Then carefully wrap your blistered fingers around the steering wheel and begin to drive. Hurry! The self-generated power won’t last forever in the large “capacitor” (a fancy electrical term referring to “capacitors”) . The vehicle will then move under the newly generated power for a few miles…or maybe just FEET. I will have to get back to you on the range. After all, I haven’t exactly BUILT this yet.

Regardless, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you have driven an environmentally clean vehicle that has not led to the destruction of our world’s most precious resource: cotton candy. (After all, the only place you can buy cotton candy is from the traveling fair, where those really scary-looking guys try to get you to throw basketballs through volleyball-sized hoops. You may not be aware of this, but they have exclusive rights to all cotton candy crops, which I have learned are hand-picked by elves in the middle east.)

Another advantage is that you will not be leaving a “Carbon Footprint” behind, which means absolutely nothing to me, or most people, but it seems to make everyone feel better not leaving one behind. For these reasons, I am sure that this idea will change the course of mankind.

I know what you’re thinking. You figure that getting out and cranking your car every few miles will be impractical. I would have to disagree. Not only would cranking the vehicle lead to better cardio-fitness, but stronger arm muscles and calloused hands (from the hot pavement), which means you won’t need oven mitts when removing casseroles from the oven! In addition to these benefits, you will have something to do when stuck in traffic, other than talk on your cell phone. Thus, you will save your cell minutes for when you’re sitting in your cubicle, wishing you were somewhere other than at work! See? I’ve really thought this through!

This technology can be further expanded to other areas. You’ve probably seen those flashlights that operate after vigorously shaking them back and forth, moving some kind of weird “piston thingy” inside, thus generating electrical “current” (a very technical electrical term referring to electrical current).

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This flashlight, after being shaken for 45 minutes, will illuminate long enough to find the general area, within a square mile, of where you think the handle fell off the crank of your automobile on the roadway when your car broke down, from overheating (hey, don’t look at me. I’m just out to improve the drive train, not the cooling system. I can’t save the WHOLE world!)

I intend to install this technology into television sets. Simply pick it up, shake vigorously, and watch for a few minutes. It would be helpful if you were watching the “Jerry Springer Show” when the set needs to be “recharged” by shaking. It would come more naturally that way.

These are but two instances where I see life as we know it changing drastically for the better. It will be some time in development, but the technology is coming. Be patient, and don’t get cranky! (Get it? A little play on words there! Dang, I’m good.)

In the meantime, I’d recommend that you ride your bicycle, use a paper fan and mow your grass with scissors. The politicians and oil companies will get the message. The oil companies will need to lower prices due to diminished demand, and the politicians will have to look harder for the elusive “carbon footprint”.

I’m just here to help. I’d say more, but my computer needs a good shaking.

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