Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Musings from a warped mind…

***STOP THE PRESSES!!***
***IT’S SNOWING IN GEORGIA!! ***

(What’s that? The presses weren’t running? Everyone went home three days ago? Oh. Never mind.)

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 10:58 pm on Saturday, January 19, 2008

The “11 Alive” newscaster was stone-faced as he looked into the camera.

“Folks, it’s not a matter of IF, but a matter of WHEN. That’s right, we’re going to get snow in Atlanta. I would suggest you stock up on necessities…food, water, flashlights, candles, frozen pizzas and Twinkies. The forecast is calling for snow in three days. All governmental services have been suspended. All schools are canceled for the next six weeks until we can dig out of the mess. The Postal Service will not deliver mail. No outdoor activities will take place. Boil your water. Use duct tape around the door frames to preserve heat. Fuel is in short supply and the sewer systems are expected to back up. Run for the hills!!! The world as we know it is about to end!!!!”

Suddenly the camera dropped, and the channel went to “dead air”.

I knew this would be serious. But where would I start? How would I prepare for this catastrophe? Who would I turn to?

Suddenly, I knew the answer. My wife! She’s CANADIAN!! She’ll know what to do!

“Honey, it’s going to…(gulp)…SNOW in three days! Everything has been canceled and the world as we know it is about to change drastically! What do we do??!”

She just looked at me with that…(gulp)…LOOK that she is famous for.

“You’re KIDDING, right?”

I was starting to get the idea that maybe she wasn’t fully informed. Maybe she just didn’t “get it”.

I logged on to the “11 Alive Severe Weather Disaster Bunker Forecast Online” site and showed her the “forecast projection”. Certainly that would change her mind!

“See??! They’re saying we might get (gulp) TWO to FOUR (gulp) INCHES of snow in three days! We need to, you know, PREPARE!”

She just looked at me the same way.

“You’re KIDDING, right?”

I could tell that she was not going to be any help. I would have to take matters into my own hands.

For the next three days I “prepared”. I mean I really prepared. I stocked up on all the things that the “11 Alive Severe Weather Disaster Bunker” experts said to do. I pre-paid all of my bills. I cashed in all of my investments in case the markets crashed, and stuffed the cash under my mat…uh…hey, uh, I probably shouldn’t be telling you that, should I? Okay I, uh….gave my, uh, cash to….a…FRIEND. Yeah, that’s it. I gave the cash to a, uh, FRIEND, and did NOT stuff it all under the mattress in our guest room. Anyway, I filled all my cars with gas and had this installed in my backyard:

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It would provide all the necessary fuel for my vehicles, the snow blower I bought on EBay and the lawn mower (does grass grow in the snow? Probably.) Besides all this, it would provide a fun structure for my kids to play on until school is back in session in a couple months. Man, I’m a GENIUS!

I then went to the grocery store to stock up on essential supplies. Now I have to admit that I don’t normally do the shopping. In fact, I had to ask my wife where to go. She just looked at me with, yep, you guessed it….that look that could burn holes in plate steel from 100 yards away.

“You’re KIDDING, right??”

Well, off to the grocery store I went (after I found one in the yellow pages). I really had no idea what I was doing. I took my son along so he could help. In fact, he took a picture of me:

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Next stop was Home Depot, where I stocked up on dozens of sheets of plywood so I could board up all the windows in case of an avalanche (you can’t ever be “too careful”). After fastening the boards over all the windows, I taped over all the door frames to preserve the heat. Lastly, I lit the Presto Log to heat the house, since I just knew that the power would go off any time. Now, I just had to WAIT. I knew that as the provider and protector of my home, I had done everything I could do to prepare.

This morning, it happened. About 11:00 am, a blizzard hit. After hours and hours of hunkering down in the house, I sent my son out to give me a status report on the conditions outside (a lot like when Noah released a dove to see if there was any land after the flood. I didn’t have a bird handy so I told my son to go outside. I really hoped I’d see him again.)

Here’s what he found:

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Just as I suspected: A massive snow find. I knew it. We were in trouble.

Then my (Canadian “I know a lot more about snow than YOU do”) wife got involved.

(Canadian “snow expert”) wife: “Matthew, is there THAT much snow out there?”

(Too honest) son: “Not really Mom. I had to get a shovel and drag it all over the yard to get this much”.

(Canadian “snow expert”) wife: “That’s IT?! That’s all the snow you could get in the front yard?!”

(WAY too honest) son: “No. I had to go to the neighbor’s yard, too”.

How could this be? I had heard on the emergency broadcast from the “11 Alive Severe Weather Disaster Bunker” that cars were spinning out on the roadways. People were being urged to stay home, and the President was contemplating declaring our state, er, county a National Emergency.

Not one to give up, I opened a window and kicked down the sheet of plywood (Okay, actually I leaned against the wood and it fell off the house, exposing the window to the arctic outdoors. I guess I should have used something more than hot glue to keep them attached.) Staring out into the backyard, I couldn’t believe my eyes:

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Yep, my worst nightmare had come to fruition: it was a….DISASTER out there. My…poor….dog. Just look at her. She was pretty much buried in the snow out back. Granted, being a Bassett Hound, she normally has a 1 inch ground clearance “issue”, but still…she was struggling to survive in the winter blast. How could I have been so FOOLISH as to leave her outside, for even just a short time??!! Thankfully, she had not turned into a popsicle. She did bark a bit funny…perhaps her face was a bit frozen…that happens to me, too.

Anyway, the blizzard had taken it’s toll. It would be days before we would thaw out. Thankfully, I had several packs of Twinkies and lots of Cheese Whiz to get us through this local disaster.

My wife never did admit I was right, and the folks in the local community did not prepare as well as I had. I see cars driving all over the place. People are milling around, and the Post Office truck is driving around too. Obviously THEY are having to get supplies. Obviously THEY didn’t prepare as well as I had. Obviously THEY have a lot to learn. I guess everyone can’t be me.

Meanwhile, we’d make the best of it. I allowed our two children to get dressed appropriately

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since Mom didn’t think much of our “blizzard” and go out and play. She just stayed inside and giggled a lot. I’m pretty sure she’s just giddy about having a husband who isn’t afraid to take matters into his own hands and “save the day”. I can understand how that can make a woman feel especially secure.

I can’t help it. It’s a gift.

Once we dig out, I’ll plan to write again. In the meantime, for those readers in the Carolinas and the Northeast, prepare yourselves and be forewarned: this storm is a DOOSEY and it’s headed your way. You’d better read this article carefully and make your preparations!!

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TWENTY years of marital bliss–BUT WHY??


Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 1:36 pm on Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Today is no ordinary day. Today is a milestone in my life. Today is…(drum roll please)…the 20 year anniversary of being married to a woman who could really have done, well, SO MUCH better.

Have you ever wondered why you see the smoking hot female celebrities married to such goof and slime balls? Take, for instance, this couple:

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What on earth is this all about???!! Uh…where do I start? Hmmm. Well, let me just say this. Here’s a guy who, at one time, had a lot of money. Okay, money: check. Now, what else does this guy have to offer? Hmmm. Could it be his fashion sense?

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Uh, no.

But alas, for some strange reason, through the course of time, the gorgeous girls seem to go for the really goofy or slimey guys. This is no recent trend. No sir. You may not be aware of this, but Romeo was really a pretty scary looking guy. Juliette, on the other hand, was as beautiful a woman as had ever been seen. Archeologists have recently found artwork on Roman scrolls which, through the miracles of science, have allowed them to convert into photographs. Because of our vast readership, I have been able to obtain this photograph of Romeo, from a guy on the corner of South and Main. I’d like YOU to be the first to see for yourself the point I am trying to make. Here it is, a REAL photograph of Romeo:

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Need I say more? So obviously LOOKS aren’t what counts. Thank goodness, because I’d be in a world of hurt. So what on earth possessed this lady to pair up with a guy like me???

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(wow. What a coincidence. She’s wearing a Dave Wear shirt.)

Some twenty two years ago, this beautiful lady was obviously having an off day, as she invited me on a date. Well, it really wasn’t a “DATE”. At least, not in her eyes. I think, in retrospect, she felt sorry for me. But I prefer to think of it as this: she saw me and HAD to know more. I do, however, find it odd that she was in the midst of a college science experiment studying the effect of large quantities of consumed lead chips and their effect on the human mind. (I found them to be quite tasty). I never spend much time pondering that “coincidence”, as I’m sure that’s all it was.

Perhaps she loved me for my CAR. It was a “chick magnet”. Yep, it was a 1972 Chevrolet Vega (“GT” model…no cheap base model for me, thank you very much. It even had a racing stripe.) This was no ordinary Vega. It had louvers on the rear hatchback and even a front-end “bra” (custom made by a local upholstery shop, since no company in their right mind would make a front-end “bra” for a Chevy Vega. I wonder why that upholstery guy kept laughing every time I stopped by to check on the progress of the “bra”?)

Anyway, eventually we were dating. On our first date, I got her drunk. Yep, well, not exactly “drunk”, because it involved a 32 ounce cup of Diet Coke, purchased at a very fancy convenience store before entering a theatre. Yep, I know how to treat my women right! But as she sipped away at the Diet Coke, a funny thing happened. No, she didn’t have to visit the “washroom” (as Canadians call it). That DID come later, however. The funny thing that happened was…she began to burp the alphabet. No, I’m not talking just “A” through “G”. I’m talking the WHOLE alphabet. It was a thing to behold. She was able to enunciate so well, and the power of each burp was such that leaves on nearby trees blew. Windows shook, and cars came to a screeching halt, thinking an emergency vehicle was nearby. Airliners in the sky banked hard to the right, then to the left, as the air pressure played violently with the lift generated by the wings (I had to throw in an aviation-related analogy there. Don’t stop me. I’m on a roll). Nearby dogs cocked their heads funny, as they would when you blow that weird silent-whistle thingy. It was amazing.

Then, she really went crazy. She began to burp the alphabet, several letters per belch. I had never witnessed anything so amazing in my life. Imagine:

Rhodena (belching): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbb………

C D E F Ggggggggggggg…..

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

I J K L M N O Ppppppppppppppppppppppppp…………

There I stood, in amazement. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to run home and hide under my bed, or give her a big wet kiss (after she finished belching of course. C’mon, even I have my standards!)

I knew that this woman was my kinda gal!

Since that time, as our relationship progressed, I took her lead and began to act my crazy self. Something happened though. She didn’t ALWAYS laugh. She just kind of rolled her eyes at me. I’d just pick them up and roll them back to her (get it?? Oh, never mind.)

In the last twenty years, I have subjected her to a lot. What on earth was she thinking back then? I think psychologists would call it a “Lapse in Judgement”. Over the past 20 years, I have:

1. Consistently left the toilet seat up.

2. Consistently hung the toilet paper such that the loose end hangs behind the roll (which is the right way, I might add).

3. Insisted on doing my “Ross Perot Impression” even though most people don’t even know who he is any more.

4. Been the loud-mouthed guy at the party, as she sits back, wishing she were somewhere else (where I would, of course, follow her and be the loud-mouthed guy at THAT place. I guess it’s like having a bad rash that won’t go away).

5. Sat in front of “that stupid computer” when she has sat patiently in the living room, expecting some “quality time” (I really still don’t get that, but I’m trying. I think it involves talking.)

6. Insisted on starting “projects” approximately 2 minutes before dinner is served. Said “projects” last just long enough for dinner to get cold. (Hey, gimme a break, “projects” just seem to, you know, “happen” before dinner. Is that my fault?)

7. Passing gas in bed. (Oh man I never do that!! Sheesh. I can’t believe she says that.)

8. Driving like a mad man while, at the same time, looking out the window and sight-seeing, much like a tourist does in a train. (Typically, however, the tourist isn’t DRIVING the train).

9. Jumping to conclusions, much like Dennis Rodman used to jump for rebounds (when he wasn’t parading around in a wedding dress, which I have NEVER done.)

10. Telling the “same old stories” and “same old jokes” again…and again…and again. (Sometimes I look over, and she’s not even aware she does this, but she’s mouthing the joke with me. I see this as a sign that she is AGAIN enjoying the joke. What a woman.)

So, as you can see, I haven’t exactly been the easiest guy to live with. In fact, I guess I would have to admit that it has occasionally been a, well, you know…”challenge”.

So on this 20 year anniversary, I had to somehow express my appreciation for her. She’s STILL smokin’ hot and I STILL wonder what a girl like that is doing with a guy like…ME. I don’t even have that much money, so it’s not like a “Rodman Phenomenon” going on here. I’m still baffled, but in the meantime I thought I’d create a music video, with the help of some freinds, that would somehow relate how lucky (er…blessed) that I know I am.

So here it is, courtesy of YouTube, my 20 year anniversary video “gift” to my wife. I’m the luckiest (er, most blessed) guy on earth.

To Rhodena, my “Girl Who Really Got Me Now”:

(Special thanks to Rich, Tony, Mike and Chad for their band-playing efforts)

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(If you want to see a video I used to “practice” for the making of this video, visit my YouTube Channel by clicking here).

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