Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Musings from a warped mind…

An Earth to Dave! Tribute
to a Global Phenomenon:
Morons.


Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 1:56 pm on Thursday, September 11, 2008

While life and people are often predictably unpredictable, there are some things among the human race that are consistently common and cut right across cultural, political and geographical lines. 

One such thing is brussel sprouts.  Notice that, regardless of race, gender, culture or location on the globe, the reaction to eating a brussel sprout is always the same:

China Reaction

China Reaction

Belgium Grandpa Guy's Reaction

Belgium Grandpa Guy

Clown Lady

Clown Lady

Frenchman's Reaction
Frenchman

As you can see, the universal reaction to Brussel Sprouts is the same…so why does my wife insist on feeding them to us?  Torture.  A way of getting even for leaving my underwear on the floor.  And I would assume each of the above photos were taken after their loved ones got even for such horrible acts of defiance (except for the frownie face guy, who never tasted brussel sprouts but was simply sick and tired of smiling all the time).

Well, okay, perhaps that wasn’t the best example of global commonality.

Perhaps the best example of commonality amongst us humans is our desire to be, well, stupid

Yeah, that’s right…no matter where you go, you’ll find morons…like…well, me. 

Having been called a “moron” on more than one occasion, I am uniquely qualified to speak to this characteristic. 

Recently, for example, I began a very complex installation of an audio amplifier in my boat.  Attempting to mount the amplifier to the inside wall, I struggled to get the screw to penetrate the fiberglass.  Drill in hand, I had a momentary lapse in my “moron-dom” and noticed that drilling through the mounting surface would result in a hole in the side of my boat.  Holes and boats do not generally go together.  Something in my mind said “stop. no drill. hole in boat bad.”  

Shortly thereafter, I proceeded to melt two tips of my buddy’s fancy butane soldering iron…a tool that is designed to get hot…really hot…yet somehow I managed to melt two of the three tips.  How? Soldering wires, of course.  And of course, in the spirit of being a Moron, said soldering gun was not purchased by my buddy, a body shop owner, at the local Dollar Store.  No, it was a product sold by a (very proud and pricey) Mac Tool guy.  Yep, when I wreck stuff, I do it right, and I’m proud of it!  My accountant (wife), on the other hand, isn’t so proud.  She knows better than to complain. Why?

Because it’s futile.

The tendency to be a moron is largely genetic.  Scientists dating back to the cave man days have studied this trait and found it to be largely connected to the male gender.  Back when Thor  was dragging his lady Unga around the cave, the earliest forms of the “Moron Factor” were seen:

Unga: Thor, you missing half you leg. Arm gone too.
Thor: Ungh!!!
Unga: How you lose part of leg? It bloody.
Thor:  Wheel not start. Me have to bump-start wheel.
Unga: How lose leg kick starting wheel?
Thor: Wheel catch fire.  Me try to roll wheel in lake.
Unga: How lose leg rolling wheel in lake?
Thor: Ungh! Wheel roll in tar pit instead.
Unga: How lose leg in tar pit?
Thor: Tar pit hot. Me yell. Big lizard come.
Unga: Big lizard eat leg?
Thor: Big lizard like tar. Make leg spicey. Me club lizard on head when eating hot spicey leg.
Unga: How you get away?
Thor: Spit me out. Leg too tough.
Unga: How lose arm?
Thor: Me want wheel back. Stuck arm in hot tar. Lizard chase me to cave.

One such thing is man’s innate desire to….be a moron.  It’s what we do, and we’re very good at it.  Make no mistake about it…males posess much more of the Moron Factor, but females are not immune to it.  They just display it in different ways, such as:

  • Marrying a guy that, during the dating process, proves to have a very high Moron Factor.
  • Using tears after doing something especially moronic seems to not only lessen her Moron Factor consequences, but also make the male counterpart more aware of his Moron Factor for giving said female a hard time about her (what he thought was obvious but is now not so sure) Moron Factor.   (This in no way has anything to do with the three  times my wife rear-ended other vehicles and I got mad at her for not telling me until I found the damage three weeks later.  Love you honey…smooch smooch).
  • Hooking up with a guy who is not only not in the same league as she is, but doesn’t even deserve to share the same personal space as her (I hope my wife doesn’t read this, because reminding her of this causes her to bang her head on her computer and I just got it fixed.)  Case in point:

Hello? Need I say more??

The Moron Factor does seem to especially take center stage among males when mechanical contraptions are involved.  What is it that causes us to do stupid things with machines?  Why are we drawn to use machines in ways in which they were not initially designed?  What causes us to do stupid stuff with said machines, often knowing that it will result in getting seriously killed? 

Easy.  Because we cannot resist.  See, scientists have proven that the Moron Factor is directly related to a medical condition called “Seriosis Dain Bramage-itis“.  This medical condition causes the following to take place:

  1. Nerve impulses from Brain infected with Seriousis Dain Bramage-itis creates self-destructive mental images to run through said brain.  Often these impulses are triggered by visually sighting a mechanical contraption.
  2. Nerve impulses bypass the cognitive-reasoning center of the brain. This sub-condition of Seriousis Dain Bramage-itis is called “Lako Commonsensitis“. 
  3. Nerve impulses travel directly to the motor-skill center of the brain, causing the various bodily limbs to begin acting on the mental images which triggered said impulses.  Soon the act is being carried out.
  4. As the act is carried out, the Lako Commonsensitis brain center is triggered, causing the following verbal pattern to be manifested in the vocal cords:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!!

Take, for example, the following video.  Notice that the Lako Commonsensitis is not outwardly manifested until well after the video taping is completed:

Because this is a human condition that is often seen in Americans, one can assume this condition is largely a “Stupid American” condition.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  It is simply because of the relative ease with which we Americans are able to obtain various mechanical devices that we have made a rather large name for ourselves, Moronity-Speaking. 

The truth of the matter is that the Moron Factor, and the medical conditions behind it, are alive and well in every corner of the world.  While American’s might strap rockets onto 1963 Chevrolet Impalas and drive them at 373 mph towards a canyon wall (which seemed to be plenty far away until, well, traveling 373 mph), our Turkish friends strap said rockets onto 1963 Schwinn-copy bicycles.  While not traveling at 373 mph, 88 mph is plenty fast on a bike with half it’s wheel spokes missing.  In other words, the Moron Factor knows no enemies.  It’s all simply relative.

Still don’t believe me?  Enjoy this video and you’ll see what I mean:

Yes, the Moron Factor, whether exhibited by males or females, is readily displayed on a daily basis and, I dare say, probably in your own life in such frequency.    You cannot escape it.  Simply embrace it.  I have.

It’s good to be me.  It’s my wife I feel sorry for.

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