Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Musings from a warped mind…

An Earth to Dave! Tribute
to a Global Phenomenon:

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 1:56 pm on Thursday, September 11, 2008

While life and people are often predictably unpredictable, there are some things among the human race that are consistently common and cut right across cultural, political and geographical lines. 

One such thing is brussel sprouts.  Notice that, regardless of race, gender, culture or location on the globe, the reaction to eating a brussel sprout is always the same:

China Reaction

China Reaction

Belgium Grandpa Guy's Reaction

Belgium Grandpa Guy

Clown Lady

Clown Lady

Frenchman's Reaction

As you can see, the universal reaction to Brussel Sprouts is the same…so why does my wife insist on feeding them to us?  Torture.  A way of getting even for leaving my underwear on the floor.  And I would assume each of the above photos were taken after their loved ones got even for such horrible acts of defiance (except for the frownie face guy, who never tasted brussel sprouts but was simply sick and tired of smiling all the time).

Well, okay, perhaps that wasn’t the best example of global commonality.

Perhaps the best example of commonality amongst us humans is our desire to be, well, stupid

Yeah, that’s right…no matter where you go, you’ll find morons…like…well, me. 

Having been called a “moron” on more than one occasion, I am uniquely qualified to speak to this characteristic. 

Recently, for example, I began a very complex installation of an audio amplifier in my boat.  Attempting to mount the amplifier to the inside wall, I struggled to get the screw to penetrate the fiberglass.  Drill in hand, I had a momentary lapse in my “moron-dom” and noticed that drilling through the mounting surface would result in a hole in the side of my boat.  Holes and boats do not generally go together.  Something in my mind said “stop. no drill. hole in boat bad.”  

Shortly thereafter, I proceeded to melt two tips of my buddy’s fancy butane soldering iron…a tool that is designed to get hot…really hot…yet somehow I managed to melt two of the three tips.  How? Soldering wires, of course.  And of course, in the spirit of being a Moron, said soldering gun was not purchased by my buddy, a body shop owner, at the local Dollar Store.  No, it was a product sold by a (very proud and pricey) Mac Tool guy.  Yep, when I wreck stuff, I do it right, and I’m proud of it!  My accountant (wife), on the other hand, isn’t so proud.  She knows better than to complain. Why?

Because it’s futile.

The tendency to be a moron is largely genetic.  Scientists dating back to the cave man days have studied this trait and found it to be largely connected to the male gender.  Back when Thor  was dragging his lady Unga around the cave, the earliest forms of the “Moron Factor” were seen:

Unga: Thor, you missing half you leg. Arm gone too.
Thor: Ungh!!!
Unga: How you lose part of leg? It bloody.
Thor:  Wheel not start. Me have to bump-start wheel.
Unga: How lose leg kick starting wheel?
Thor: Wheel catch fire.  Me try to roll wheel in lake.
Unga: How lose leg rolling wheel in lake?
Thor: Ungh! Wheel roll in tar pit instead.
Unga: How lose leg in tar pit?
Thor: Tar pit hot. Me yell. Big lizard come.
Unga: Big lizard eat leg?
Thor: Big lizard like tar. Make leg spicey. Me club lizard on head when eating hot spicey leg.
Unga: How you get away?
Thor: Spit me out. Leg too tough.
Unga: How lose arm?
Thor: Me want wheel back. Stuck arm in hot tar. Lizard chase me to cave.

One such thing is man’s innate desire to….be a moron.  It’s what we do, and we’re very good at it.  Make no mistake about it…males posess much more of the Moron Factor, but females are not immune to it.  They just display it in different ways, such as:

  • Marrying a guy that, during the dating process, proves to have a very high Moron Factor.
  • Using tears after doing something especially moronic seems to not only lessen her Moron Factor consequences, but also make the male counterpart more aware of his Moron Factor for giving said female a hard time about her (what he thought was obvious but is now not so sure) Moron Factor.   (This in no way has anything to do with the three  times my wife rear-ended other vehicles and I got mad at her for not telling me until I found the damage three weeks later.  Love you honey…smooch smooch).
  • Hooking up with a guy who is not only not in the same league as she is, but doesn’t even deserve to share the same personal space as her (I hope my wife doesn’t read this, because reminding her of this causes her to bang her head on her computer and I just got it fixed.)  Case in point:

Hello? Need I say more??

The Moron Factor does seem to especially take center stage among males when mechanical contraptions are involved.  What is it that causes us to do stupid things with machines?  Why are we drawn to use machines in ways in which they were not initially designed?  What causes us to do stupid stuff with said machines, often knowing that it will result in getting seriously killed? 

Easy.  Because we cannot resist.  See, scientists have proven that the Moron Factor is directly related to a medical condition called “Seriosis Dain Bramage-itis“.  This medical condition causes the following to take place:

  1. Nerve impulses from Brain infected with Seriousis Dain Bramage-itis creates self-destructive mental images to run through said brain.  Often these impulses are triggered by visually sighting a mechanical contraption.
  2. Nerve impulses bypass the cognitive-reasoning center of the brain. This sub-condition of Seriousis Dain Bramage-itis is called “Lako Commonsensitis“. 
  3. Nerve impulses travel directly to the motor-skill center of the brain, causing the various bodily limbs to begin acting on the mental images which triggered said impulses.  Soon the act is being carried out.
  4. As the act is carried out, the Lako Commonsensitis brain center is triggered, causing the following verbal pattern to be manifested in the vocal cords:


Take, for example, the following video.  Notice that the Lako Commonsensitis is not outwardly manifested until well after the video taping is completed:

Because this is a human condition that is often seen in Americans, one can assume this condition is largely a “Stupid American” condition.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  It is simply because of the relative ease with which we Americans are able to obtain various mechanical devices that we have made a rather large name for ourselves, Moronity-Speaking. 

The truth of the matter is that the Moron Factor, and the medical conditions behind it, are alive and well in every corner of the world.  While American’s might strap rockets onto 1963 Chevrolet Impalas and drive them at 373 mph towards a canyon wall (which seemed to be plenty far away until, well, traveling 373 mph), our Turkish friends strap said rockets onto 1963 Schwinn-copy bicycles.  While not traveling at 373 mph, 88 mph is plenty fast on a bike with half it’s wheel spokes missing.  In other words, the Moron Factor knows no enemies.  It’s all simply relative.

Still don’t believe me?  Enjoy this video and you’ll see what I mean:

Yes, the Moron Factor, whether exhibited by males or females, is readily displayed on a daily basis and, I dare say, probably in your own life in such frequency.    You cannot escape it.  Simply embrace it.  I have.

It’s good to be me.  It’s my wife I feel sorry for.

News Flash:
The Olympic Games are officially over.
An Earth to Dave! tribute to…
One unsung Olympic hero.

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 10:24 am on Monday, August 25, 2008

If you’re one of the millions of people, like me, who watched the 29th Olympic Games closing ceremonies last night, you’re probably feeling like you’re completely informed and up-to-date on the most notable of performances seen during these Summer Games. Sure, we know about Mark Phelps, the famous swimmer who won 10 Gold Medals. Yeah, yeah, so the U.S. men’s basketball team, led by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, won silver. Okay, so Hussein Belt from Jamaica won three rowing competitions. Big Deal.

Only the savviest of Olympiad spectators, like myself, dug deep and found the true heartwarming stories of Olympic competitors who, despite all odds, persevered and did their very best. While they may not have been part of a “Dream Team” or won the umpteenth Gold medal for their country, their stories are nonetheless truly inspiring.

So in the spirit of the Olympic Games, I’d like to tell you about one such competitor: Paulette Hunt from the United States.

Paulette Hunt was born in Pekoopskie, Michigan, the daughter of hard-working blue-collar parents, Dear and Turkey. Growing up, Pauletta was often described as “slow” and was a bit clumsy. To add to her difficulties, her parents refused to change their names, resulting in Paulette being the object of much ridicule. Also, Paulette could never be honestly described as “attractive”. In fact, she was down right ugly. Many times she was mistaken for a boy! In an effort to help their daughter gain confidence, Dee and Turkey enrolled their daughter in gymnastics.

Initially, Paulette struggled with her gymnastics, often her routines being described as the “blue mat face plant”. Undeterred, Pauletta continued to practice day and night. Her “face plant” routines became not only routine, but somewhat entertaining. In short time and by word of mouth, Paulette became somewhat of a local celebrity. In an effort to be more credible as a competitor, she changed her name to Paulette Huntinova, because every good gymnast had a weird name that was hard to pronounce, she figured.

Soon Paulette was winning competitions across the country. She was, however, still mistaken by many, including commentators, as a male gymnast. Paulette, however, did not let this bother her. She was often quoted as saying “I are let my gymnastics do the talking, so me not worry”. At some events, where the judges and commentators could not fathom that she was a girl, she’d use the name “Paul Hunt”. It didn’t matter…as long as she could display her gymnastic prowess, that was all that mattered.

Paulette had found herself. She enjoyed thrilling audiences at gymnastic meets with her amazing ability to survive horrendous impacts with mats, poles, balance beams, bars, viewing stands, drinking fountains, other gymnasts and even the judges tables. She was a star! Deer and Turkey were quite proud.

There was only one thing alluding Paulette’s storied career: an Olympic medal…or, at least, an Olympic performance (Paulette learned to set realistic goals.)

After many years of competition and much blood, sweat and tears (mostly blood, actually), she made the Olympic Gymnastics team. Her dream would come true in Beijing.

While Paulette Hunt’s Olympic performances did not capture her a medal, she was able to demonstrate her unique abilities to the world. Her performances not only captivated the audience, they caused a few hearts to stop beating for a moment…Paulette’s performances were…well, a bit unusual.

As a service to the Olympics and my audience, I have a few video clips to share with you. These are the three events that Paulette participated in. Note that even the Olympic commentators, while obviously enjoying Paulette’s performance, still mistook her for a male gymnast.

Here’s Paulette’s performance on the balance beam, a very challenging event:

Now watch as Paulette demonstrates incredible use of the floor during her floor exercise:

And lastly, here is Paulette’s uneven bars routine…simply spectacular, with unusual use of the support structure for the bars—ingenious!

As you can see, Paulette’s athletic abilities speak for themselves. I bet you didn’t see that on the highlight reels, did you? Obviously you need to rely on trustworthy news and research organizations to find these things for you…like Earth to Dave! Don’t thank me. That’s what I’m here for.

As I’ve shown, it’s clear that you cannot adequately experience the Olympic Games by viewing a few highlights or watching the closing ceremonies. Yes, if you dig deep and beyond the headlines, you will find the truly heartwarming stories that more accurately portray the Olympic Spirit, without all the “flash” and “pizazz” of the “professional” athletes with all of their endorsements.

So next time you hear about Mark Phelps and his 6 Gold medals in fencing, or Michael Jordan’s part in the USA Basketball team’s capturing the bronze in Beijing, just remember there are true athletes, like Paulette Hunt, er…Huntinova, the unsung heroes of the Olympic Games.

« Previous PageNext Page »