Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

As the summer progresses on, many of us find ourselves outdoors enjoying the sun, working outside in the garden, mowing the lawn, and washing the car. And if you’re like me, many of us find ourselves outdoors WATCHING other people work outside in the sun, working in the garden, mowing the lawn and washing my car whilst enjoying a cold glass of iced tea. Regardless of the reasons for being outside, it might be a good idea to remember that other creatures have the same idea (although if I catch them drinking my iced tea, they’re toast. Not the bread kind. The dead kind.)

With the recent emphasis on “Global Warming”, I thought it would be appropriate to consult an expert on this subject. Recently I had the pleasure of speaking to Dr. Hugh Jass from the National Institute for the Study of Creatures that Like Summer (NISCLS). Dr. Jass is an expert in this field. If “Global Warming” is a reality, it only stands to reason that we should become more familiar with creatures that are drawn to warm climates. Dr. Jass is a Distinguished Fellow at the Berlin Institute of Global Science and Climate Analysis Management (BIGSCAM) and Global Warming expert. I spent several hours with Dr. Jass who was kind enough to share his wisdom with us so that we can be prepared for the summer creatures that we are sure to encounter.

First, Dr. Jass cautioned us that this topic can often become nauseating. For this reason, you may want to avoid eating anything for a period of one week before continuing this article. Okay, I’ll wait.

Welcome back. You look like crap.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by. Please start at the beginning and hurry back to this point, as Dr. Hugh Jass cannot be kept waiting (for a number of reasons, to include that he has been eating french fries and donuts since you’ve been gone. I suggested he change his first name to “Hugh-er”).

Now, the first creature that every one of us has probably seen is referred to as “giganteous buttus gone wildeous” and is seen in habitats in which it does not belong. Why or how these creatures are drawn to this particular habitat is still very much a mystery. What is also a mystery is that Dr. Huge Jass doesn’t seem to think this is unusual. Anyway, here is a photo of one of these species, taken during feeding time (which, apparently , is not hard to do):

Now as already mentioned, these species are often found in places they don’t belong, but I think I will leave it at that. The best way to deal with these species is to simply, well, NOT STARE.

Now, to digress for just a minute…for those of you who consider the above “inconsiderate” or “politically uncorrect”, my response is simply “get over it”. You see, each one of us is different, and beautiful in our own way (at least that’s what my Mom kept reassuring me as a kid.) Each one of us, however, should know our own personal “limits”. Take, for example, ME. I should NEVER EVER be seen in a speedo:

Enough said? Yeah, I thought so. Let’s move on…

Second, in many places of the world, the summer-like heat associated with “Global Warming” is often a magnet for another species known as “snakeous disgustinguous”. This species, much like the one above, enjoys sunning itself in the hot sun, often in less-than-desirable places. Depending on the species itself, this creature can be very dangerous and even deadly. Here is a video taken by Mrs. Hugh Jass literally right before she passed away:

Now, when encountered, it is recommended that you first “think happy thoughts”. Whenever I run across this species, I imagine it is a very long “Ball Park Frank” that simply rolled out of a huge hot dog bun. Obviously you wouldn’t pick it up, and you certainly wouldn’t eat it. And of course a Ball Park Frank doesn’t eat your miniature poodle “Tinkerbell” or have fangs the size of knitting needles. Nor does it shed it’s outer “frank skin” and leave it behind for your children to play with (blech! Thus, the title). And of course it doesn’t coil itself up in a little frankfurter Cinabon until you stumble across it and have your leg taken off. Other than that, it’s just like a Ball Park Frank. So think happy thoughts as you stand petrified in front of it, yelling at your wife, children, neighbors or the fire department 31 miles away to save you.

Recently I received a photograph of a friend who was called the house of his buddy, who was in said position, staring at the Ball Park Cinabon Frank, coiled up and ready to swallow him whole. Obviously a student of Dr. Hugh Jass’s research, said friend, who we will fictitiously refer to as “Chris”, calmly screamed out at the top of his lungs until his neighbors 4 blocks away called for help. The help was the legendary “Snake Hunter”, Steve W.

Steve W. is a legend in these parts. With nothing but his bear hands, an Indiana Jones-style whip, a knife at his side and, oh yeah, a 63-foot long snake-grabber thingy, Steve appeared and in no time at all, the “snakeous disgustinguous” was captured. Next, armed with the 63-foot long snake-grabber thingy, the Snake Hunter beat the crap out of it against a tree. Once assured it was relatively safe, the Snake Hunter set up barricades for the onlookers, signed a few autographs then with the camera crew in tow, got on his hands and knees and approached the deadly creature, still in the jaws of the 63-foot snake-grabber thingy. As he approached the specimen from the rear, he pounced.

“CRIKEY! This little buggah, if alive, could have easily swallowed me whole, and with one drop of venom, Chris here would have melted like buttah on the sidewalk!”

(Chris, the way, was fine, when a local scientist informed him it was a common Garden Snake, which is not deadly. The Snake Hunter, however, insisted otherwise.) Here’s a photo of the incident:

(Copyright 2008 Snake Hunter Productions. All Rights Reserved. Please do not Photoshop or deface this photo, and please keep in mind both of these guys also happen to be my bosses. They are really really, I mean REALLY great guys. Really. I mean that. Seriously. Not just because they could fire me if they see this.)

Thirdly, Dr. Jass cautions us all to be on the lookout for a species called “maximus ginormous mosquito-us”.

This species is especially attracted to any living organism, especially of the human type, to feed on it’s blood and spread infectous diseases. Other than that, it’s no big deal. Again, simply “think happy thoughts”. Imagine the creature is simply an insect-version of a cute little puppy, taking a little drink from it’s bowl. Then smash the little booger, while giving a karate “hi-yah!” yell. It’s very therapeutic.

Lastly, Dr. Jass issued a stern warning to avoid, at all costs, the following species. He is called “sweatius cookimus”.

Often times we may not see the cook who is carefully preparing our meal. In my mind, this poses a problem.

“How are we to be on the lookout for “sweatius cookimus” when we cannot always see him”, I asked.

“Taste your food”, he replied. “If it’s too salty or the food is runny, chances are a “sweatius cookimus” is nearby”.

If this is the case, do not panic. Dr. Jass has developed a simple home-treatment plan. Simply go home and take a shower. In fact, take several showers. Then take another shower. Afterwards, consider eating a bar of soap. Follow it with a swig of Hydrogen Peroxide. Then try not to think about “sweatius cookimus”. If you do, repeat the treatment.

After several hours of discussion with Dr. Jass, it is apparent that, “Global Warming”, while dangerous in and of itself, poses many other pitfalls that are often overlooked. Thankfully we have experts like Dr. Hugh Jass to keep us straight. So next time you’re at the beach, try not to stare at the “giganteous buttus gone wildeous”. If you encounter a “snakeous disgustinguous”, imagine it’s a frankfurter, stay calm and call Steve, the Snake Hunter. Keep an eye out for the swarms of “maximus ginormous mosquito-us” (think “little puppy”) and keep the bars of soap ready for the “sweatius cookimus”. Armed with this information, you are now further prepared to live in this new, warmer world.

One might think this “Global Warming” phenomenon is making this world a scary place to live in. On the contrary, knowledge is power. Now that you have it, what should you do? Simple. Crank the air conditioning, board the windows and hide.

You might want to get something to eat. You still look like crap.

Blech!

Stay cool.

I cannot take it any more.

I’ve had enough.

I can’t stand it.

Yep, you guessed it. Election time.

The television commercials are commanding the air waves. The candidates are posturing for your vote. The “spin masters” are twisting the news every which way. The news is filled with poll results, and the talking heads spend hours debating which candidate for President will win in November.

Last night I spent an hour trying to find something…anything…else to watch. It was either “The Situation Room” (what is a “situation room”, anyway?) or “Crossfire” (A military show I think). Other than that, I really had only one other choice. I made my stand. I didn’t become another statistic for the news shows. I watched, and recorded, my favorite TV commercial and replayed it for an hour. Here it is:

Now, why would I want to watch an INFOMERCIAL instead of something else. Well, that’s easy. I need to get a life.

No, actually, that’s not true. I have one. What I meant to say is that I find it, well…fascinating.

Take, for instance, the fact that this infomercial is undoubtedly one of the cheesiest, low-budget commercials you will ever see. Notice the set. It consists of a counter top and a colored backdrop. Price? $150 including materials. “Vince”, the host with the funny accent, took a standard blue polo shirt ($7.36 at Walmart, “The low price leader”…copyright 2008 Walmart, Inc. Benton, AR, all rights reserved. <—just being careful…they like to sue people) to an embroidery shop and had the words “Sham Wow” embroidered onto it. Price? $20. Next, they had to buy a glass bowl for catching the liquid contents of the ShamWow after being squeezed. Price? $5 at the Dollar Store. Notice, however, that Vince is a bit “clumsy” in squeezing the contents of the ShamWow into the bowl. I am guessing he was just nervous. He is, after all, just a rookie. (They couldn’t afford Billy Mays, the bearded guy who has hawked everything from “CLR—Calcium, Lyme & Rust Remover” to “Oxy Clean” to the “Hercules Hook”. He was MUCH too pricey. Plus, he got some “Mighty Putty” in his hair and had to shave his head.) The problem, however, is the repeated liquid spills bubbled the formica counter top which later required repair. Expensive mistake Vince. Cost of repairs? $300. The producers were NOT impressed.

The next thing I notice is that the company couldn’t even afford to get ol’ Vince a skin-tone microphone. Instead, they bought a big honkin’ cheap mic from Radio Shack and made do. Vince seems oblivious to the fact that the big black thing wrapped around his head is VERY distracting and makes him look like the guy at the carnival who tries to get you to spend $30 throwing rings onto coke bottles so you can win the $4 stuffed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle stuffed animal. But alas, Vince sports the Radio Shack microphone with pride, even as he addresses the “camera guy”.

This leads me to my third observation. When have you ever heard a guy in a commercial speak to, yet alone refer to, the “camera guy”? Isn’t this a television faux pau? Oh poor Vince, he must have really had a rough time filming this commercial.

So adding up all the expenses of making this commercial including Vince’s clumsy mistake, we can see the producers spent a total of $482.36, plus Vince’s take for his pitch-man work: unlimited ShamWows and a new microphone for any future gigs he’d get as a result of his first infomercial.

But the manufacturer of the ShamWow is smiling all the way to the bank. They are selling German-made (?) shammies faster than they can make them (in Germany? And that makes them better? If they were made there, wouldn’t they be called “ShamVerks” or something more German-sounding? I have a hard time believing that someone named Klaus would call his product “ShamWow”, but I digress).

Americans eat up this type of product. They see it as the answer to their spillage problems. It will make life easier. Yes, the ShamWow is the hope for the future:

Hank: “Gladys, get me the phone. I just watched this ShamWow commercial, and it’s amazing. When I spill my denture cleaner on the carpet, I can just sop it up with ShamWow!”

Gladys: “You mean it’ll soak it up…even through…the carpet??”

Hank: “Yep, just saw it with my own eyes. Plus, you can roll your wet blouse in it and wear it right away!”

Gladys: “I cannot tell you how many times I’ve needed something like that! Here’s the phone! Order it now and put a move on it! They’ll probably sell out!!”

Hank: “Yeah, they probably sold ‘em all…to the camera guy.”

The listener is encouraged to “call now and get this SECOND ShamWow free!” but you always have to call “in the next ten minutes because we can’t do this all day”. But, uh, they ALWAYS say that. What’s up with that? Yet people run for the phone, hoping the ten minutes haven’t yet expired.

Yes, Americans are hungry for anything “good”. That’s why the election season is so wacky. (How’s that for a segue?)

How can a candidate promise “Change you can count on” but not only have nothing specific to propose, but no experience to prove his ability to do so? But alas, the crowds gather and rally around a slick motto and smooth delivery. The stadiums fill, people faint, and the news is all abuzz of the candidate promising “change”. Nothing specific, just “change”.

For those of you thinking this is a political rant for a certain candidate, think again. The other side consists of a guy who, for years, made his opinions, values and decisions known, only to reinvent himself to get elected. Looks like HE is into “change” too.

All of this can cause one to become disillusioned and give up on the system. Not me. No sir, I’m not giving up. When you can’t beat ‘em, JOIN ‘em! I’m announcing my candidacy for office. Yes, that’s right.

EARTH TO DAVE! ANNOUNCES:
(drum roll please)

VOTE DAVE FOR 2008!

I promise that I will CHANGE the way things are done in Washington!

I promise that you will see a CHANGE right before your own eyes!

I promise that whenever you buy a soft drink in a vending machine, you will find CHANGE in the coin tray.

Yes, that’s right…Vote Dave Buck for…uh…you know, CHANGE.

If you think this is just a columnist blowing smoke, think again. My candidacy is already gaining steam. People are talking and word is spreading fast that there is now a THIRD viable candidate in the race. Don’t believe me? Just watch this recent news story from Channel 3 here in Atlanta:

See? My candidacy is taking off!

And now, you can join the revolution. Vote “Dave” in November. Just write my name on the ballot. If you use one of those electronic voting booth thingies and don’t know how to write in my name, just hike yourself up onto the booth and say the following very loudly:

“I WANT TO VOTE FOR DAVE!! I DEMAND A DAVE VOTE! YOU GOT THAT, CAMERA GUY?!”

When I am elected, I will use my newfound authority to issue a Presidential Pardon on your behalf. Of course, those things do take time, so while you wait I will see to it your prison food is made better.

Now THAT’s change you can count on! “You’ll be saying WOW every time”.