Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

The other day I found myself driving and pondering life. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping. I had my Dr. Pepper in hand (ding ding ding! Shameless Plug!) Life was good.

Then, it happened. I glanced up in my rear view mirror and saw it. Headlights.

On my bumper was “Jethro” in his jacked-up 4×4 truck, apparently running REALLY late for the fishing tournament. Or perhaps there was a huge sale at the Bass Pro Shop (you can’t blame him…apparently there is a rubber worm embargo going on. You better get there quick, if you stand ANY chance of getting the bait of choice here in the Deep South.)

At that point, I had a choice to make. Do I pull over and let Jethro by, or let him go around me? These moral dilemmas sometimes get the best of me. But alas, since Jethro had a GUN RACK, and the GUN RACK had a GUN, it was an easy decision to make. Moving over into the next lane, Jethro passed me before I had even made it into my lane. The Ranger bass boat veered wildly as he approached the speed of sound.

Several minutes later I exited the freeway. At the end of the off-ramp was a line of vehicles awaiting their turn. Yep, you guessed it: there he was, right in front of me. Jethro and his rig.

Apparently his broken sound barrier got him on the ramp exactly 15 seconds before me.

Research indicates that the average American will spend approximately 82,000 hours driving a vehicle. This statistic comes from a reliable source: me. I could have spent countless seconds, or even (*gasp!*) MINUTES researching this fact, but I am confident that my figure is just as accurate. Plus, it’s alot easier this way.

How you SPEND these hours is critical. You could be like Jethro, focused solely on GETTING THERE. Or, you can make better use of your time. Like the guy in the photo above. Why just DRIVE, when you can eat? Why just EAT, when you can drive and eat with CHOPSTICKS?

Yes, you can spend your time wisely be doing things like shaving, reading, writing, talking on your cell phone, or shampooing the dog. Don’t let this idle time go to waste! Take part in what I call:

MULTI-TASKING.

You may have heard this term before. Do not be fooled. I made this term up years ago. When? While driving, of course.

“Multi-tasking” started when I was driving one day. I had a bit of a slow start one morning. It began the night before when I forgot to set my alarm. The next morning, I woke up suddenly when, after a very nice long sleep (despite going to bed late), I felt the warm sun on my face. It was a very sudden and abrupt awakening. I call it a “PIA-PET” (Panic-Induced Awakening Prior to Extreme Terror). The “PIA-PET” was the result of my being late for my job.

At the time, I was working with a traffic reporter in Sacramento, “Commander Bill”. Bill is great guy & a legend in Sacramento. He was a long-time fixture in the traffic and media business there. I was flying with Bill when, due to temporary medical issues, he needed a licensed pilot to fly with him as he did the morning and afternoon traffic reports. He took great pride his accuracy and reliability (we’ll get to that in a minute.)

So, my “PIA-PET” was a result of the fact that I knew Commander Bill would be waiting on my (very late) arrival to the airport. He’d no-doubt be doing his traffic reports from his “mobile unit” (radio talk for “car”) until I arrived. I later learned that he was not only doing his report as usual, but he’d end the report with something along the lines of:

“And Dave, if you’re listening to this, you had better get your butt to the airport, cuz I’m waiting for you!! This is Commander Bill, in the mobile unit, because my doofus pilot must have overslept, for Sacramento’s morning news, KFBK!” (or something like that. I wasn’t really listening. I was “multi-tasking”.)

That morning, I lept out of the bed and unknowingly taught myself how to “multi-task”. (It was then that I made up this term.) Within seconds, I was in my car (or maybe it was on my motorcycle…I can’t remember.) In the 40 minutes, I was able to accomplish the following tasks while driving:

*Shower (using windshield washer “jet-action”)

*Change underwear (this was necessary from the PIA-PET.)

*Change out of my Snoopy jammies and into flight gear (basically jeans and t-shirt, but “flight gear” sounds alot more impressive).

*Brush my teeth (using coffee mug, but there was obviously no coffee in it. Duh! I had Dr. Pepper.)

*Blow-dry (head out of window) and comb my hair.

*Realize I had a bad case of “bed head”, so I gave myself a hair cut, using my “Flow Bee” (that is a different article).

*Use mouth wash because the Dr. Pepper and toothpaste didn’t really help here. Unfortunately, the car next to me did not much appreciate my spitting the mouthwash out onto his windshield. (I hope he had insurance, as I was unaware that a combination of mouth wash and bright sunlight on a windshield apparently severely restricts visability and results in fiery crashes.)

*Madly attempt to contact Commander Bill on my suitcase-sized “mobile phone”. This was a first generation “mobile phone” which required cranking a large handle, shutting off all unnecessary electronics in my vehicle (due to the current draw and resulting loss of power to provide spark to the engine), and erecting a large satellite dish on the roof of my 1972 Chevrolet Vega. After all this, Bill did not answer his mobile phone. Apparently he was busy telling tens of thousands of his listeners that “Dave Buck is a schmuck and no-good lazy bum who is running late and keeping me in a vehicle instead of my aircraft which, up until now, has NEVER missed a flight”, or something like that.)

*Shampoo my dog. (Heck, might as well do SOMETHING productive while I drive to the airport! Sheesh.)

Eventually, I made it to the airport. Bill was not a happy camper. I couldn’t blame him. The flight was pretty tense. Between reports, Bill would glare at me. I was proud of him for biting his lip. The airborne exchanges went something like this:

Dave: Uh, um., uh, sorry Bill. I, uh, slept in. But the good news is I am REALLY RESTED!

Bill: (Glare)

Dave: Plus, I uh, learned to “multi-task” today. Not only that, I made up the term “multi-task” today. Isn’t that cool?

Bill: (Glare)

Dave: And I uhh, SHAMPOOED MY DOG!

Bill: (Glare)

Dave: Do you want me to….shampoo your dog?

Bill: (Glare)

Dave: (looking out the window at the neat little cars below) Wow, people look like little ants down there.

Bill: (Glare)

Eventually Bill broke the silence: “Davey, there are two things I want you to remember: ACCURACY and RELIABILITY. I pride myself on these things. I won’t bend on these things. Remember that, and we’ll go places, Tiger”.

Bill liked to call me “Tiger”. I would have preferred somethng like “Sport”, or even “Thunder”, but at this point “Tiger” was good…I was not in a position of “negotiating power”. This is a very complex term meaning I was in no position to complain. “Yes, I am Tiger. Tiger is good. I like Tiger. Here, Tiger, Tiger Tiger. Meow.”

I look back on this and realize what a valuable experience it was. Yes, I learned about accuracy and reliability. But the value came from my new-found talent of “multi-tasking”. This term has been borrowed and used extensively since that time, but remember me, “Tiger”, next time you use it.

A word of caution here: I am a trained professional! In order for YOU to possess these skills, you will need training:

Yes, FORMAL TRAINING from the “Easy Method Driving School” is a MUST. (Their telephone number is in the photo above, for your easy reference).

So the next time you’re tempted to speed up and race around other vehicles ahead of you, remember this: you might just end up in front of those cars at the end of the off-ramp. You’ll feel like a total IDIOT.

Instead, save your self-respect and make better use of the 84,000 hours you will probably spend in your vehicle. Write a letter, shave, shower, shampoo the dog, or even read a novel:

Or, you could strive for “accuracy and reliability” and call your employer, explaining you had a case of “PIA-PET” but that you are “multi-tasking” your way to work. He might be impressed, at least until he figures out exactly what you mean.

Regardless, remember you can one day be like the “Master Multi-Tasker”. One day, grasshopper, one day…

P.S. My sincere apologies to Bill “Commander Bill” Eveland, who, in the interest of “accuracy and reliability”, would point out that I probably embellished a slight bit, er…okay, alot…in my recollection of my late arrival that one day.

But he DID call me “tiger”.

Dear Readers,

Well, we made it safely to Haiti and back. What a trip. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

I learned something while there. Many times we believe we are doing someting good to bless others. The reality, however, is that in doing so, we are the ones who come away blessed. I also learned that humor and happiness are NOT rooted in what you HAVE. It’s rooted in who you ARE & what you possess inside.

Am I getting serious again? OH NO! What has happened? Is this the end of the world? Should you crawl into your bathtub and pull a mattress over you? No. Why? Because that will be very uncomfortable. Plus, the tub hasn’t been cleaned in a while. Yuck. Get up. Put the mattress back. Get ahold of yourself!

What I mean is that I have never met people who have so little materially, yet have so much happiness, love, joy and laughter to share. We worked with over 200 orphans, transporting them from their three orphanages to a 30-plus acre compound for a 3 day long camp. From the minute I met them, I was overwhelmed with their love and desire to laugh, play and be happy with us…including me, the MAJOR DOOFUS EXTRAORDINAIRE:

In no time at all, each of us were literally surrounded by kids, as if swarmed by bees. They wanted only to be touched, loved, and played with. They’d stoop down and clean the dust off of our shoes. They’d stroke your hair, pat your back, and look up at you with wide eyes. They’d stare at the freckles on my arm, or a mole on my neck, giggling to each other. As I sat down for the first time, I’d have five children sitting in my lap, and many others surrounding me. I’d feel my hair being played with and laughter all around. As I deliberately paid attention to one child at a time, it was if I could see a little “fuel gage”…a “love meter”, if you will…filling up, slowly but surely, after being on empty for so long. Don’t get me wrong–the (amazing) people who care for these kids do an incredible job. But how can anyone have enough to daily give over 100 abandoned children what they need such that they don’t crave this attention? (I would dare say that Celiane, Valmond, Liddy, Daniel, Theodore and the others who have dedicated their lives to caring for these children are modern-day SAINTS.)

The kids were full of laughs, and despite the language barrier (they speak French Creole. I BARELY speak plain english) we instantly engaged in the international language: HUMOR.

The kids instantly figured out what a goof I am when, during the first morning chapel, I taught them a skill every child should know: how to place a latex glove over your head and blow it up using only your NOSE:

This was a HUGE hit with the kids. In fact, it was SUCH a huge hit, several of them snuck into the medical clinic we held and grabbed some gloves. Later, during a soccer game, several youngsters appeared with gloves fully inflated over their heads. Throughout the next few days, we’d see a human glove-head walking around. “Well done, Grasshopper. My job here is done.” Well, not quite.

The living conditions at the orphanages would make any of us cringe. Imagine very thin “mattresses” being shared by three or four children. Imagine children having to sleep on the concrete, and play soccer barefoot in the gravel “courtyard”. Imagine living in a very small “compound” surrounded by high walls, gates and other barriers to keep the dangerous “neighbors” from coming in and stealing what little food you have.

Despite these conditions, every one of the kids was quick to smile:

and when faced with an opportunity to watch a grown man make a complete idiot of himself, they were more than happy to join in on the fun:

So if HUMOR is the international language, I shall continue to “speak” it loud and clear. The feeling you get when you see a child (who seemingly has every worldly reason to be sad and bitter) light up and show a big smile, giggle and laugh despite those circumstances is one that can not be explained…it can only be experienced. Bringing joy into the lives of these little ones is a one of the surest ways to “open the door to the heart”…and tell them how loved and valued they are by God. But, they knew that. Thus the joy they display, seemingly so contrary to our own understanding. If you didn’t understand this, it would certainly make you THINK. Perhaps we Westerners, with all of our lavish “things” don’t take the time to “think”. We’re too distracted.

So the next time you’re tempted to look at the glass as “half empty”, I’d encourage you to count your blessings and find someone who YOU can bless with some good ol’ fashioned humor. Go ahead. Don the clown wig, the goofy glasses with the big nose, or just cross your eyes. Pull out the dribble glass. Heck, tell a lame joke. Not only will it make someone feel good, it will brighten up YOUR day as well. Consider where you (we) try to find joy, and the emptiness that always seems to perk to the surface. Perhaps the source of joy that these kids have found can be the same that (finally) fills that void in our lives.

If you’re not willing to laugh during life, you might as well get the mattress and head for the tub.

Yuk. Make sure to clean it first. Eeewwwww.

Until next time…enjoy the fun!

P.S. If you’d like to see for yourself the “joy” in these kids that I’m talking about (despite their circumstances), watch the video below. (This is what having a real relationship with God will do for you!)

If you’d like to see more of our video clips, click HERE!