Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Memorial Day is right around the corner, and you know what that means: kids will soon be out of school and it’s time to starting making our travel plans.

For many people, making travel plans can be a very stressful time. Why? Because in their minds, the words “vacation” or “travel” conjures up bad memories.

For me, I remember the days of being a kid and my father telling me it was time to leave for vacation. It went something like this:

Dad: Dave, we’re all packed up and in the car. Turn off the Pong game and get in the car.

Dave: But DAD! I’m on the fourth level and have TWO paddles and THREE balls!! I’ve never gotten this far! Give me a few minutes, Dad….pleeeease?

Dad: Dave, we’ve been in the car for an hour now.

Dave: But Dad, how was I to know that I’d get another paddle?? Look how fast the ball is bouncing off the walls! This is intense, man.

Dad: If you don’t turn that thing off, there’s going to be other things bouncing off the walls.

(My Dad never threatened us like that so I knew he was serious. I was hoping it would be ME bouncing off the wall and not my beloved Pong game).

After several minutes of back-and-forth, it ended looking like this:

So as you can see, even I, a seasoned traveler, can have some “vacation-induced-stress”. This is a fancy medical term that describes stress that is induced by vacations. Medical professionals like to have fancy terms for such conditions but my job is to explain these terms in a way that is more easily understood. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.

So as a service to you, my readers, let me address a few issues that are most commonly “stress inducers” when it comes to vacations. For you non-medical types, “stress inducers” are, medically speaking, things which induce stress. Now that you more fully understand this term, let me proceed.

First, when traveling by air, rail or bus, one typically is stressed when it come to arriving in time for the “boarding process”. This is the process by which you board the aircraft, train or bus. Typically, if one does not arrive in plenty of time, one might be concerned that one will miss out on all, or part of, the boarding process.

This is a very stressful time and it’s very unfortunate because it really shouldn’t be. Why? Because as a professional traveler, I have performed extensive research and found other “boarding processes” that can take this stressful situation and make it much easier to understand. How? Simple. Make the “boarding process” a quick, easy-to-understand process which takes out all the guesswork. Worried about where you’ll put your bag during the process? Don’t worry. With this new process, it’s taken care of. Worried about who you’ll be sitting next to? Relax. It’s covered. Worried about the (painfully) long process of getting OFF the aircraft, train or bus? Solved.

During my research, I found the following process, used in a far away land, to be the solution we are all looking for. Watch and learn:

Now, you might initially think “how does THAT solve our problems?” Easy. Show up during the four minute “boarding process” time and jump in, start pushing, and in no time at all, someone will push you, and your pony tail and coat, past the doors. As for your bag(s), they’ll be in there…somewhere. You won’t have to worry. They’ll be pressed between some lady’s legs. What about that person you’re sitting next to? No worries. You won’t be sitting next to anyone! You’ll be pressed in, standing upright, like a dozen sardines neatly stacked in that tin can. What about the process of getting off? No problem. When the doors open, you’ll all tumble out and in no time at all, you’ll find yourself in the terminal area, with everyone else. It’s brilliant!

I have found it very important to be willing to learn from other people and cultures in attacking life’s problems. In the above video, we have seen a very simple solution to a stressful event that most of us encounter. See? Learning from others is fun.

Another concern that travelers often have is how to best deal with the long “road trips”. After a while, a person just wants to get some SLEEP. But how? We’ve all tried to sleep in the plane, train, bus and automobile seats. Your head flops all over, side to side, and if you’re lucky enough to get any sleep at all, you wake up with a neck ache. It’s quite painful. Surely there has to be a better way!

At the Earth to Dave! Sleep Research Center, we have come up with a solution. No, it’s not warm milk. It’s the “pillowig”. That what?? Perhaps a picture will best explain it:

Just LOOKING at the pillowig makes you want to curl up in the ol’ car and sleep your cares away, doesn’t it? Yes, I know….it’s brilliant! Don’t thank me. It’s just what I do. It’s a gift.

Lastly, I will tackle a very sensitive issue. Many of you will be thankful that I do not fear tackling these issues because if I don’t, who will? Most of us experience a medical condition called “Travel-Induced Gaseous Emissional Response”. This is another fancy medical term for gaseous emissions caused by long periods of sitting. This can be a very awkward and embarrassing time for the traveler, especially when sitting in close proximity to others. What is a person to do? Just hold it in and blow up like a balloon??!!

Fear not. At the Earth to Dave! Gaseous Emissions Study Center, we have found a solution. It’s called “Toot Tone” and it’s an ingenious way to disguise said emissions. We put together an informative video which explains it well:

So you see, for every cause of “Vacation Induced Stress”, there is a simple solution. So get out the suitcases, pack the bags (don’t forget the pillowig), and get out there and experience life! Don’t be afraid!

Just make sure to get to the “boarding process” on time. And be near the back. And watch your pony tail.

Have fun and see you next time, oh seasoned traveler!

P.S. Pack an extra Toot Tone for the guy sitting next to you. He’ll appreciate it.

“Hello? Dave? Is anyone still there?” (tap tap tap on the computer screen) You probably thought I had “passed on”, sent away to the planet from which I came. Your world may have come crashing down around you, thinking that life’s laughs had passed away with Dave, and your skies had turned dark and gloomy, with nothing but storm clouds to look forward to. Suddenly life had no meaning for you, and your heart was filled with sorrow.

“Where has Dave gone? Why no new articles? What am I to do? Who ate the last Twinkie??!!”

Yes, I’m sure your life has been difficult with my absence. I can sense your pain.

What’s that? What do you mean “Oh, you were gone?” You didn’t even notice I was absent? Oh.

Well, anyway, for the two of you who had, I had to take some time to move into the new Earth to Dave! World Headquarters, and believe you me, it was worth the wait! After extensive site planning, numerous revisions of the architect’s drawings and a bidding process by the world’s most prestigious builders, I came to a conclusion:

“Dang you guys are expensive.”

So after a few “adjustments” (builder-speak for ways to cut corners and reduce the cost of construction), the Earth to Dave! World Headquarters is finally complete! So without further adieu, I’d like to give you, my faithful readers, a little tour.

(Please hold your applause until the end. I’m sorry, but photographs are not allowed. Please dispose of your chewing gum in the “Earth to Dave! Gone Green” hemp trash containers. Kindly wipe your feet. Please do not touch anything, especially THAT! Form a single line and pass through the metal detectors. Maam, you there…please remove your shoes and place it on the x-ray belt. What’s that? No, you don’t need to put your son on it…he won’t fit).

Now, as we exit the elevator, you will see that the Earth to Dave! World Headquarters is located in a VERY fancy building. Now, I must explain that, since online humor columnists don’t necessarily make a fortune writing, and since online humor columnists don’t necessarily need super fancy furnishings to do their work, it stands to reason that the Earth to Dave! World Headquarters is not, by design, necessarily as fancy as the building in which it is located.

With that being said, let us round the corner here and you’ll see where all the funny writing action takes place. Yes, here it is! Ladies and Gentlemen, the
Earth to Dave! World Headquarters!!

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. It’s okay, I understand. I agree.

It is impressive. Speaking of impressive, notice the fan mail in my In Box. It’s so hard to stay on top of it all. Well, don’t just stand there, come on in! (Please, only two or three at a time. I like to preserve my personal space. Plus it, well, gets kind of squishy).

Now that you’re inside, you’re no doubt wondering where all the “funny stuff” gets written. Well, funny you should ask. I have “I.T. Guys” (corporate speak for “computer wheenies”) who have “networked” (computer wheenie speak for “connecting a maze of wires together and, by a process of elimination, get a computer, or computers, to communicate with each other and a series of high-tech gadgets called “peripherals” such that when pressing the “ENTER” key, something might happen). These assorted gizmos are gadgets upon which I type, print, fax, send, eat and drool on. This, my friends, is my “work space” (corporate speak for, uh, “work space”):

Now keep in mind that the “work space” must be simple, clean and, most importantly, affordable. This work space meets every one of these requirements of mine. I am quite happy with the results, and my accountant is even happier! That’s good because he’s getting a little testy about being paid in IOU’s.

Now every work space must not only be simple, clean, and affordable, but it must also be comfortable. Being a humor columnist often means long nights at the keyboard. It could mean hours and hours, or at least several minutes at a time, writing and typing while the ideas (and hysterical humor, or at least occasionally entertaining giggles) flows through my fingers and onto the computer screen. For this reason, it is necessary to have a comfortable “ergonomic chair” (corporate speak for “we don’t want to get sued for your herniated disks, carpal tunnel syndrome, lower back pains and intestinal gas so we’ll design a really dorky looking chair and call it something really impressive, telling you it’ll keep all that stuff from happening, so you won’t sue us because you’re too embarrassed to admit you’ve been sitting on that dorky looking chair”). Not one to settle for any ergonomic chair, I had one specially designed for me:

It’s a one-of-a-kind chair, so don’t bother looking around for one. You won’t find it. Some day maybe I’ll market it and make a fortune. Until then, you’ll just have to be jealous.

Anyway, as I’ve mentioned, I have a lot of “networked” gizmos. Here is just a small sample of what it takes to generate an absolutely hilarious, or mildly comical, humor column. Take a look, and please…don’t touch. It’s all very sophisticated and I’d hate to have to call my I.T. Guys and have them come out to fix what you screwed up. (Plus, they charge by the hour and don’t take IOU’s. They do, however, really enjoy pirated video games).

Yes, I know. It’s very impressive. I know what you’re thinking. I thought it myself: “How can all this technology be powered by a standard 115 Volt system protected by a 30-amp breaker located in a non-surge-protected feed through a 220-volt step-down voltage-regulated circuit?”

But alas, my I.T. Guys had already thought of this. They say it’s called a “Surge Protector”:

Yes ladies and gentlemen, they thought of it all. The Earth to Dave! World Headquarters is protected by it’s own surge protector. One day you, too, might be so protected. But again, you don’t have tens of thousands, or at least dozens, of readers depending on you to bring them laughter. If you did, I’m sure you, too, would take such precautions.

I’m sure all of this has not only impressed you, but reassured you that your Earth to Dave! humor is safe. I’m back in business and ready to tackle the world of humor. It’s a tough job, but I’m ready for it. It will mean long nights, early mornings, sore fingers (my nose gets itchy…I can’t help it) and strained eyes (why are nose hairs so small ?). It is worth it, however, when I read your fan letters and expressions of appreciation. Keep those cards and letters coming (or better yet, if someone wants to send one, that’d be really nice. Then I can get rid of the blank papers in my “In Box”).

So in closing, I’d ask you to all take several steps backward and exit the Earth to Dave! World Headquarters, being careful to not knock it down, er, I mean don’t touch anything. As you leave, take the elevator down and the security guard will make sure you’re not robbed as you cross the street to your double-parked car (parking is really at a premium around here. Thanks for car pooling in Fred’s Mini Cooper.)

I have work to do. I’m just going to visit the Earth to Dave! World Headquarters refrigerator

and get all sugared up. (I do my best writing while sugared up).

Thanks for your patience while this construction took place. I appreciate your readership, just as I know you appreciate, er, tolerate, my writing.

Earth to Dave! is back in business! Thanks for stopping by!

(Does anyone have any duct tape? Someone knocked over my wall.)