Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Today is no ordinary day. Today is a milestone in my life. Today is…(drum roll please)…the 20 year anniversary of being married to a woman who could really have done, well, SO MUCH better.

Have you ever wondered why you see the smoking hot female celebrities married to such goof and slime balls? Take, for instance, this couple:

What on earth is this all about???!! Uh…where do I start? Hmmm. Well, let me just say this. Here’s a guy who, at one time, had a lot of money. Okay, money: check. Now, what else does this guy have to offer? Hmmm. Could it be his fashion sense?

Uh, no.

But alas, for some strange reason, through the course of time, the gorgeous girls seem to go for the really goofy or slimey guys. This is no recent trend. No sir. You may not be aware of this, but Romeo was really a pretty scary looking guy. Juliette, on the other hand, was as beautiful a woman as had ever been seen. Archeologists have recently found artwork on Roman scrolls which, through the miracles of science, have allowed them to convert into photographs. Because of our vast readership, I have been able to obtain this photograph of Romeo, from a guy on the corner of South and Main. I’d like YOU to be the first to see for yourself the point I am trying to make. Here it is, a REAL photograph of Romeo:

Need I say more? So obviously LOOKS aren’t what counts. Thank goodness, because I’d be in a world of hurt. So what on earth possessed this lady to pair up with a guy like me???

(wow. What a coincidence. She’s wearing a Dave Wear shirt.)

Some twenty two years ago, this beautiful lady was obviously having an off day, as she invited me on a date. Well, it really wasn’t a “DATE”. At least, not in her eyes. I think, in retrospect, she felt sorry for me. But I prefer to think of it as this: she saw me and HAD to know more. I do, however, find it odd that she was in the midst of a college science experiment studying the effect of large quantities of consumed lead chips and their effect on the human mind. (I found them to be quite tasty). I never spend much time pondering that “coincidence”, as I’m sure that’s all it was.

Perhaps she loved me for my CAR. It was a “chick magnet”. Yep, it was a 1972 Chevrolet Vega (“GT” model…no cheap base model for me, thank you very much. It even had a racing stripe.) This was no ordinary Vega. It had louvers on the rear hatchback and even a front-end “bra” (custom made by a local upholstery shop, since no company in their right mind would make a front-end “bra” for a Chevy Vega. I wonder why that upholstery guy kept laughing every time I stopped by to check on the progress of the “bra”?)

Anyway, eventually we were dating. On our first date, I got her drunk. Yep, well, not exactly “drunk”, because it involved a 32 ounce cup of Diet Coke, purchased at a very fancy convenience store before entering a theatre. Yep, I know how to treat my women right! But as she sipped away at the Diet Coke, a funny thing happened. No, she didn’t have to visit the “washroom” (as Canadians call it). That DID come later, however. The funny thing that happened was…she began to burp the alphabet. No, I’m not talking just “A” through “G”. I’m talking the WHOLE alphabet. It was a thing to behold. She was able to enunciate so well, and the power of each burp was such that leaves on nearby trees blew. Windows shook, and cars came to a screeching halt, thinking an emergency vehicle was nearby. Airliners in the sky banked hard to the right, then to the left, as the air pressure played violently with the lift generated by the wings (I had to throw in an aviation-related analogy there. Don’t stop me. I’m on a roll). Nearby dogs cocked their heads funny, as they would when you blow that weird silent-whistle thingy. It was amazing.

Then, she really went crazy. She began to burp the alphabet, several letters per belch. I had never witnessed anything so amazing in my life. Imagine:

Rhodena (belching): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbb………

C D E F Ggggggggggggg…..

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

I J K L M N O Ppppppppppppppppppppppppp…………

There I stood, in amazement. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to run home and hide under my bed, or give her a big wet kiss (after she finished belching of course. C’mon, even I have my standards!)

I knew that this woman was my kinda gal!

Since that time, as our relationship progressed, I took her lead and began to act my crazy self. Something happened though. She didn’t ALWAYS laugh. She just kind of rolled her eyes at me. I’d just pick them up and roll them back to her (get it?? Oh, never mind.)

In the last twenty years, I have subjected her to a lot. What on earth was she thinking back then? I think psychologists would call it a “Lapse in Judgement”. Over the past 20 years, I have:

1. Consistently left the toilet seat up.

2. Consistently hung the toilet paper such that the loose end hangs behind the roll (which is the right way, I might add).

3. Insisted on doing my “Ross Perot Impression” even though most people don’t even know who he is any more.

4. Been the loud-mouthed guy at the party, as she sits back, wishing she were somewhere else (where I would, of course, follow her and be the loud-mouthed guy at THAT place. I guess it’s like having a bad rash that won’t go away).

5. Sat in front of “that stupid computer” when she has sat patiently in the living room, expecting some “quality time” (I really still don’t get that, but I’m trying. I think it involves talking.)

6. Insisted on starting “projects” approximately 2 minutes before dinner is served. Said “projects” last just long enough for dinner to get cold. (Hey, gimme a break, “projects” just seem to, you know, “happen” before dinner. Is that my fault?)

7. Passing gas in bed. (Oh man I never do that!! Sheesh. I can’t believe she says that.)

8. Driving like a mad man while, at the same time, looking out the window and sight-seeing, much like a tourist does in a train. (Typically, however, the tourist isn’t DRIVING the train).

9. Jumping to conclusions, much like Dennis Rodman used to jump for rebounds (when he wasn’t parading around in a wedding dress, which I have NEVER done.)

10. Telling the “same old stories” and “same old jokes” again…and again…and again. (Sometimes I look over, and she’s not even aware she does this, but she’s mouthing the joke with me. I see this as a sign that she is AGAIN enjoying the joke. What a woman.)

So, as you can see, I haven’t exactly been the easiest guy to live with. In fact, I guess I would have to admit that it has occasionally been a, well, you know…”challenge”.

So on this 20 year anniversary, I had to somehow express my appreciation for her. She’s STILL smokin’ hot and I STILL wonder what a girl like that is doing with a guy like…ME. I don’t even have that much money, so it’s not like a “Rodman Phenomenon” going on here. I’m still baffled, but in the meantime I thought I’d create a music video, with the help of some freinds, that would somehow relate how lucky (er…blessed) that I know I am.

So here it is, courtesy of YouTube, my 20 year anniversary video “gift” to my wife. I’m the luckiest (er, most blessed) guy on earth.

To Rhodena, my “Girl Who Really Got Me Now”:

(Special thanks to Rich, Tony, Mike and Chad for their band-playing efforts)

(If you want to see a video I used to “practice” for the making of this video, visit my YouTube Channel by clicking here).