The first step to getting help is admitting you have a PROBLEM.

Many years ago my wife gave me a gift that changed my life. It was a fine Christmas morning and there was ONE MORE gift to open. We had saved the “big gifts” for last. My wife was thrilled to receive her new vacuum cleaner (??–see “Holiday Gift Giving Guide, December 2006. Note to self: Do not ever, ever, ever ever ever give your wife an appliance—especially a CLEANING appliance—for Christmas. Gift card, Gift card, Gift card.)

Anyway, my wife presented me with a rather large box which I promptly tore into. Inside was something I had always hoped for and now….it was mine. I saw it and something inside me “snapped”.

It was a Sears Craftsman LEAF BLOWER.

This was no ordinary leaf blower. This baby was GAS POWERED, 36cc two-stroke leaf vacuum/blower (imagine Tim Taylor “man grunts” here.) I jumped up and down, clapping my hands like a trained seal and promptly threw the strap over my head to assume “blowing position”.

My wife put her arms out and puckered up, awaiting the rewards (?) for her diligent work at finding the PERFECT GIFT.

Instead, she was shocked to hear that (beautiful) two-stroke engine whirring away in the front yard. The rest, as they say, IS HISTORY.

Now, the house we lived in at the time did not have many trees in the yard. I soon found that IN ORDER TO HAVE LEAVES, YOU HAD TO HAVE TREES. I would later plant trees, so that I would have plenty of (pesky) leaves to blow, thus fulfiling my compulsive need to, well, you know…BLOW.

Undeterred, I soon found that the blower was useful for more than just blowing leaves. It could be used to blow the garage, which I found was dustier than underneath our bed.

It could also be used to dust the engine of the car, which I found was also in great need of, uh…well, being dusted of course!

Later I found that the blower could be used to blow spider webs off of the house’s eves.

I never got around to trying the vacuum. There was WAY too much blowing to be done.

Later, I found that there was also another use for the blower:

Here, Scooter is enjoying the newfound blower useage.

In no time at all, I found myself blowing, just to BLOW. Eventually, my blower simply gave up the biscuit. It could blow no longer. It had no more life to give and was, in fact, BEGGING me to put it out of it’s misery. I was more than happy to because it was time for…

A BETTER BLOWER.

See, I realized that my blowing was good, but it could definitely be better. I not only needed more volume, I needed more VELOCITY. I needed a bigger engine, larger blowing tube-thingy, and definitely one that could be mounted on my back for those, uh, you know–marathon blow sessions (where every leaf was put in it’s place, and the last particle of dust was removed from the air cleaner, and my son Scooter’s cheeks were blown completely over his ears.)

Thus came….THE BACKPACK BLOWER. This one came at my own expense. See, my wife knew that I had newfound “blower standards”. I would scoff at my neighbors trying to blow with their wimpy blowers as I drove by:

“HA! Look at that goober. He’s got an ELECTRICAL POWERED blower! He’ll be blowing for YEARS! hahahah. Keep blowing, Mister Girly-Man Blower Guy!! I laugh at your lame blowing!!! HAHAHA!”
(wife rolls her eyes.)

Anyway, I knew what I wanted and I just went out and GOT IT. I’m just that kind of guy.

The McClullough Backpack Blower fit the bill. It had more volume, a larger motor, and CFM’s that’d put a triple-7 airliner engine to shame. Yes, that baby will do just fine.

Plus, it was modeled after those backpack spacesuit rocket things that NASA experiemented with years ago. It had a “bendy throttle thingy” on your hand on one side, and the blower tube handle for your hand on the other. As I would blow, I could imagine I was taking off to go fly over the traffic to Walmart pick up bread and milk for my wife. But where would I put the bread? What about the milk? What if I dropped either on the way home and it landed in someone’s pool? Then it would get ruined and I’d have to go back and get more. Plus, where would I “park” the NASA backpack rocket thingy at Walmart? Would they let me take it inside? Would they just put a little smiley-face sticker on it so I could prove that I didn’t buy it there? I had so many questions!

But I digress. (I digress alot. You probably noticed that.)

The backpack blower sits idly in my garage…only occasionally. I use it for EVERYTHING. Some days I come home and see a leaf, yes A leaf, on my driveway. I could just walk down there and pick it up. Nope. I have to fire up the backpack (NASA) blower and BLOW IT. It’s, uh, much easier (?) that way. Plus, I save my back the strain of bending over to pick up the leaf. Instead, I strap a 50 pound unit on my back for the 20 minutes it takes to get that dang leaf to blow where iI WANT it to blow. The stupid thing keeps getting an air pocket (or some turbulence) and floats back down on the driveway. I blow it again and again, with the same results.

Eventually, I just give up and put the blower away, because my BACK HURTS.

As I have become a veteran blower, my back has taken a beating. I go to the chiropractor now. The first thing he asks is

“Have you been blowing—AGAIN?”

“Yep.”

“You need to hire a gardner.”

“What?! And give up blowing?! Are you crazy?!”

“You need help”.

After hearing that enough times, I think he’s probably right. So I’ve taken my first step towards healing this obsessive-compulsive behavior. I admit it now. I’m a compulsive BLOWER.

I’d talk about this more, but I just noticed there’s a leaf on my porch. I’ll be right back.