Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Musings from a warped mind…

“Earth to Dave!! Where’s Dave?”
“Hello? Anyone home?”
“Where has Dave been?”
>>Announcing the new Earth to Dave World Headquarters!<<

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 9:08 pm on Monday, May 5, 2008


“Hello? Dave? Is anyone still there?” (tap tap tap on the computer screen) You probably thought I had “passed on”, sent away to the planet from which I came. Your world may have come crashing down around you, thinking that life’s laughs had passed away with Dave, and your skies had turned dark and gloomy, with nothing but storm clouds to look forward to. Suddenly life had no meaning for you, and your heart was filled with sorrow.

“Where has Dave gone? Why no new articles? What am I to do? Who ate the last Twinkie??!!”

Yes, I’m sure your life has been difficult with my absence. I can sense your pain.

What’s that? What do you mean “Oh, you were gone?” You didn’t even notice I was absent? Oh.

Well, anyway, for the two of you who had, I had to take some time to move into the new Earth to Dave! World Headquarters, and believe you me, it was worth the wait! After extensive site planning, numerous revisions of the architect’s drawings and a bidding process by the world’s most prestigious builders, I came to a conclusion:

“Dang you guys are expensive.”

So after a few “adjustments” (builder-speak for ways to cut corners and reduce the cost of construction), the Earth to Dave! World Headquarters is finally complete! So without further adieu, I’d like to give you, my faithful readers, a little tour.

(Please hold your applause until the end. I’m sorry, but photographs are not allowed. Please dispose of your chewing gum in the “Earth to Dave! Gone Green” hemp trash containers. Kindly wipe your feet. Please do not touch anything, especially THAT! Form a single line and pass through the metal detectors. Maam, you there…please remove your shoes and place it on the x-ray belt. What’s that? No, you don’t need to put your son on it…he won’t fit).

Now, as we exit the elevator, you will see that the Earth to Dave! World Headquarters is located in a VERY fancy building. Now, I must explain that, since online humor columnists don’t necessarily make a fortune writing, and since online humor columnists don’t necessarily need super fancy furnishings to do their work, it stands to reason that the Earth to Dave! World Headquarters is not, by design, necessarily as fancy as the building in which it is located.

With that being said, let us round the corner here and you’ll see where all the funny writing action takes place. Yes, here it is! Ladies and Gentlemen, the
Earth to Dave! World Headquarters!!


Yes, I know what you’re thinking. It’s okay, I understand. I agree.

It is impressive. Speaking of impressive, notice the fan mail in my In Box. It’s so hard to stay on top of it all. Well, don’t just stand there, come on in! (Please, only two or three at a time. I like to preserve my personal space. Plus it, well, gets kind of squishy).


Now that you’re inside, you’re no doubt wondering where all the “funny stuff” gets written. Well, funny you should ask. I have “I.T. Guys” (corporate speak for “computer wheenies”) who have “networked” (computer wheenie speak for “connecting a maze of wires together and, by a process of elimination, get a computer, or computers, to communicate with each other and a series of high-tech gadgets called “peripherals” such that when pressing the “ENTER” key, something might happen). These assorted gizmos are gadgets upon which I type, print, fax, send, eat and drool on. This, my friends, is my “work space” (corporate speak for, uh, “work space”):


Now keep in mind that the “work space” must be simple, clean and, most importantly, affordable. This work space meets every one of these requirements of mine. I am quite happy with the results, and my accountant is even happier! That’s good because he’s getting a little testy about being paid in IOU’s.

Now every work space must not only be simple, clean, and affordable, but it must also be comfortable. Being a humor columnist often means long nights at the keyboard. It could mean hours and hours, or at least several minutes at a time, writing and typing while the ideas (and hysterical humor, or at least occasionally entertaining giggles) flows through my fingers and onto the computer screen. For this reason, it is necessary to have a comfortable “ergonomic chair” (corporate speak for “we don’t want to get sued for your herniated disks, carpal tunnel syndrome, lower back pains and intestinal gas so we’ll design a really dorky looking chair and call it something really impressive, telling you it’ll keep all that stuff from happening, so you won’t sue us because you’re too embarrassed to admit you’ve been sitting on that dorky looking chair”). Not one to settle for any ergonomic chair, I had one specially designed for me:


It’s a one-of-a-kind chair, so don’t bother looking around for one. You won’t find it. Some day maybe I’ll market it and make a fortune. Until then, you’ll just have to be jealous.

Anyway, as I’ve mentioned, I have a lot of “networked” gizmos. Here is just a small sample of what it takes to generate an absolutely hilarious, or mildly comical, humor column. Take a look, and please…don’t touch. It’s all very sophisticated and I’d hate to have to call my I.T. Guys and have them come out to fix what you screwed up. (Plus, they charge by the hour and don’t take IOU’s. They do, however, really enjoy pirated video games).


Yes, I know. It’s very impressive. I know what you’re thinking. I thought it myself: “How can all this technology be powered by a standard 115 Volt system protected by a 30-amp breaker located in a non-surge-protected feed through a 220-volt step-down voltage-regulated circuit?”

But alas, my I.T. Guys had already thought of this. They say it’s called a “Surge Protector”:


Yes ladies and gentlemen, they thought of it all. The Earth to Dave! World Headquarters is protected by it’s own surge protector. One day you, too, might be so protected. But again, you don’t have tens of thousands, or at least dozens, of readers depending on you to bring them laughter. If you did, I’m sure you, too, would take such precautions.

I’m sure all of this has not only impressed you, but reassured you that your Earth to Dave! humor is safe. I’m back in business and ready to tackle the world of humor. It’s a tough job, but I’m ready for it. It will mean long nights, early mornings, sore fingers (my nose gets itchy…I can’t help it) and strained eyes (why are nose hairs so small ?). It is worth it, however, when I read your fan letters and expressions of appreciation. Keep those cards and letters coming (or better yet, if someone wants to send one, that’d be really nice. Then I can get rid of the blank papers in my “In Box”).

So in closing, I’d ask you to all take several steps backward and exit the Earth to Dave! World Headquarters, being careful to not knock it down, er, I mean don’t touch anything. As you leave, take the elevator down and the security guard will make sure you’re not robbed as you cross the street to your double-parked car (parking is really at a premium around here. Thanks for car pooling in Fred’s Mini Cooper.)

I have work to do. I’m just going to visit the Earth to Dave! World Headquarters refrigerator


and get all sugared up. (I do my best writing while sugared up).

Thanks for your patience while this construction took place. I appreciate your readership, just as I know you appreciate, er, tolerate, my writing.

Earth to Dave! is back in business! Thanks for stopping by!

(Does anyone have any duct tape? Someone knocked over my wall.)


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