Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Musings from a warped mind…

Travel Tips from Earth to Dave!

Filed under: Mindless Musings... — Earth to Dave! at 10:40 am on Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Memorial Day is right around the corner, and you know what that means: kids will soon be out of school and it’s time to starting making our travel plans.

For many people, making travel plans can be a very stressful time. Why? Because in their minds, the words “vacation” or “travel” conjures up bad memories.

For me, I remember the days of being a kid and my father telling me it was time to leave for vacation. It went something like this:

Dad: Dave, we’re all packed up and in the car. Turn off the Pong game and get in the car.

Dave: But DAD! I’m on the fourth level and have TWO paddles and THREE balls!! I’ve never gotten this far! Give me a few minutes, Dad….pleeeease?

Dad: Dave, we’ve been in the car for an hour now.

Dave: But Dad, how was I to know that I’d get another paddle?? Look how fast the ball is bouncing off the walls! This is intense, man.

Dad: If you don’t turn that thing off, there’s going to be other things bouncing off the walls.

(My Dad never threatened us like that so I knew he was serious. I was hoping it would be ME bouncing off the wall and not my beloved Pong game).

After several minutes of back-and-forth, it ended looking like this:


So as you can see, even I, a seasoned traveler, can have some “vacation-induced-stress”. This is a fancy medical term that describes stress that is induced by vacations. Medical professionals like to have fancy terms for such conditions but my job is to explain these terms in a way that is more easily understood. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.

So as a service to you, my readers, let me address a few issues that are most commonly “stress inducers” when it comes to vacations. For you non-medical types, “stress inducers” are, medically speaking, things which induce stress. Now that you more fully understand this term, let me proceed.

First, when traveling by air, rail or bus, one typically is stressed when it come to arriving in time for the “boarding process”. This is the process by which you board the aircraft, train or bus. Typically, if one does not arrive in plenty of time, one might be concerned that one will miss out on all, or part of, the boarding process.

This is a very stressful time and it’s very unfortunate because it really shouldn’t be. Why? Because as a professional traveler, I have performed extensive research and found other “boarding processes” that can take this stressful situation and make it much easier to understand. How? Simple. Make the “boarding process” a quick, easy-to-understand process which takes out all the guesswork. Worried about where you’ll put your bag during the process? Don’t worry. With this new process, it’s taken care of. Worried about who you’ll be sitting next to? Relax. It’s covered. Worried about the (painfully) long process of getting OFF the aircraft, train or bus? Solved.

During my research, I found the following process, used in a far away land, to be the solution we are all looking for. Watch and learn:

Now, you might initially think “how does THAT solve our problems?” Easy. Show up during the four minute “boarding process” time and jump in, start pushing, and in no time at all, someone will push you, and your pony tail and coat, past the doors. As for your bag(s), they’ll be in there…somewhere. You won’t have to worry. They’ll be pressed between some lady’s legs. What about that person you’re sitting next to? No worries. You won’t be sitting next to anyone! You’ll be pressed in, standing upright, like a dozen sardines neatly stacked in that tin can. What about the process of getting off? No problem. When the doors open, you’ll all tumble out and in no time at all, you’ll find yourself in the terminal area, with everyone else. It’s brilliant!

I have found it very important to be willing to learn from other people and cultures in attacking life’s problems. In the above video, we have seen a very simple solution to a stressful event that most of us encounter. See? Learning from others is fun.

Another concern that travelers often have is how to best deal with the long “road trips”. After a while, a person just wants to get some SLEEP. But how? We’ve all tried to sleep in the plane, train, bus and automobile seats. Your head flops all over, side to side, and if you’re lucky enough to get any sleep at all, you wake up with a neck ache. It’s quite painful. Surely there has to be a better way!

At the Earth to Dave! Sleep Research Center, we have come up with a solution. No, it’s not warm milk. It’s the “pillowig”. That what?? Perhaps a picture will best explain it:


Just LOOKING at the pillowig makes you want to curl up in the ol’ car and sleep your cares away, doesn’t it? Yes, I know….it’s brilliant! Don’t thank me. It’s just what I do. It’s a gift.

Lastly, I will tackle a very sensitive issue. Many of you will be thankful that I do not fear tackling these issues because if I don’t, who will? Most of us experience a medical condition called “Travel-Induced Gaseous Emissional Response”. This is another fancy medical term for gaseous emissions caused by long periods of sitting. This can be a very awkward and embarrassing time for the traveler, especially when sitting in close proximity to others. What is a person to do? Just hold it in and blow up like a balloon??!!

Fear not. At the Earth to Dave! Gaseous Emissions Study Center, we have found a solution. It’s called “Toot Tone” and it’s an ingenious way to disguise said emissions. We put together an informative video which explains it well:

So you see, for every cause of “Vacation Induced Stress”, there is a simple solution. So get out the suitcases, pack the bags (don’t forget the pillowig), and get out there and experience life! Don’t be afraid!

Just make sure to get to the “boarding process” on time. And be near the back. And watch your pony tail.

Have fun and see you next time, oh seasoned traveler!

P.S. Pack an extra Toot Tone for the guy sitting next to you. He’ll appreciate it.

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