Recently I received a letter from a reader named Gladys Bigolhefer. It reads:

“Dear Earth to Dave! guy,
My best friend is getting married and I have to wear one of those horrible brides maid’s dresses. My husband thinks it’s funny and insists on wearing some old slacks and a polo shirt to the wedding. Do I HAVE to wear this atrocious dress, and should I demand my husband wear something more “in style”? Thanks for your advice! Signed, Gladys Bigolhefer”

Thanks for writing Gladys! As a student of the fashion industry (or at least someone who gets constant fashion “advice” from my wife), I can assure you that this is normal. Although you feel the bridesmaid’s dresses are “horrible” and “atrocious”, the fact remains that today’s bridesmaid’s dresses are tomorrow’s newest fashion trends.

The dresses worn by the bridesmaids in my wedding 19 years ago, for example, were viewed as quite typically horrible by the ladies in my wedding. They were the standard “chiffon” material (not the butter, but rather the material called “chiffon” although they did make the thighs look like the ladies had eaten too much chiffon, as in the butter). The sleeves were large enough to be mistaken for standard-issue U.S. Army parachutes. The mid-sections of the dress (which are often referred to as the “Bodice”, for you fashion novices out there) were like those corsets that were worn by Mrs. Olsen on the “Little House on the Prarie” show. They were tied with high-tensile steel wire and triple-knotted to withstand the many thousands of pounds of pressure that were behind them. The lower section of the dresses, on the other hand, were like old-fashion bubble-style draperies that hang in Victorian homes. They were, in a word, SPECTACULAR.

The women, however, I’m sure felt otherwise. No worries…we bought each girl a dress and said “don’t pork out…you have to wear this in 6 months.” We were, in effect, doing them a favor. It was a forced DIET, and they’d thank us later. Meanwhile, the fashion trends eventually caught up with the dresses. You could find models wearing those dresses in fancy fashion shows in Paris, Milan and Huntsville, Alabama. The photographers loved them and the brain-dead and easily-influenced fashion-chasing women public could not buy enough of them. If only our bridesmaids had KEPT the dresses after the wedding, they’d be rich! But alas, by last count we determined that three ended up as car washing rags, two were donated to the homeless (for their weddings I guess) and the last was given to the circus.

So to you, Gladys, I say: “Suck it up (literally) and wear the dress. Then give it to the circus.”

For your husband, I will do my best to encourage him to step up to the plate and “get with it”. Mister husband, did you know that MENS LEGGINGS are now the “in thing”? According to a recent “Fashion Wire Daily” (?) news article, mens leggings are the new “must have”:

Leggings made of microfiber cotton and wool, shown in violet, forest green and Milan fog gray, all of them with stirrup straps, except of course for a couple of them cut above the knee, accompanied half the looks in this poetic, polished and unexpected collection.

These leggy knits were paired with mercerized cotton jerkins, snug little Rude Boy with manners jackets and Two Tone era skinny ties are a big Milan trend. Marni shoes were also real winners, knobby workerist boots in bottle green or metallic gray with subtle strips of contrasting color like burgundy.

“Unconventional but sophisticated,” smiled Consuelo Castiglioni, Marni’s Creative Director, backstage after the show.

(Who WRITES this stuff? Was he SERIOUS, or is this some kind of sick joke? And “Rude Boy with Manners Jackets”?? What on earth does that mean? What if I’m a NICE guy with AWFUL manners? Could I even wear this jacket?) This is why we need fashion experts, and I’m here to help.

First of all, I now realize I need a new “fashion expert” name. “Dave” just doesn’t cut it. As the article mentioned, I need a name like “Consuelo Castiglioni”. That will give me the credibility I need to make compelling arguments about things like “mens leggings”. I mean, how can you argue with someone named “Consuealo Castiglioni”? You just can’t. The argument would go something like:

Consuelo: Dis mens leggings es de ultimate in de accesorizing of de man’s fashions.

Dave: (blank stare)

Consuelo: What es you staring at? You no agree?

Dave: Me no agree.

Consuelo: But you…you name is “DAVE”. What do “DAVE” know, no?

Dave: No. Me know me not wear no mens leggings.

Consuelo: No?

Dave: No.

Consuelo: You not try des leggings yet, no?

Dave: No. Me no try leggings ever ever ever.

Consuelo: Apparently “DAVE” no like to be fashion. “DAVE” just look like regular boring American. Men like you make me ceek. I SPIT on you, you ceek unfashionable American!

Dave: (blank stare)

See, without a “fashion guy” name, I am simply out-gunned. So today I’d like to announce that, in addressing fashion concerns, I shall be called “Davio Fettuccini”. It has a certain “ring” to it and definitely gives me the credibility I deserve.

So Gladys, as Davio Fettuccini, I can address your concerns about your husband’s wardrobe. First off, understand these simple facts:

1. Most (normal) men DO NOT CARE about fashion.

2. Men don’t like to wear more than one layer. This is especially true when it comes to having to visit the restroom.

3. Men look idiotic when wearing those stupid on-ear bluetooth cell phone thingies
(I had to throw that in Gladys.)

4. Men would wear a bathrobe to a wedding if their women would allow it.

Lastly, 5. Men don’t know that if you wear BLACK shoes, you should wear a BLACK belt. If you wear BROWN shoes, you should wear a BROWN belt. If your husband could grasp this concept, you should rejoice in making a major breakthrough, Gladys!

Basically, Gladys, if your husband has spent enough time to think through wearing slacks and a polo shirt, you’re half-way there. Watch him as he chooses his belt and shoes. He may need some guidance there, and if you need help, just let me know. I am, after all, Davio Fettuccini!

Being a realist, however, I can guess that you were hoping for more, Gladys. You were hoping I’d REALLY encourage your husband to “get with it!” and catch up with today’s fashions. If this is truly your desire, Gladys, then I shall not disappoint you! Get your husband some LEGGINGS and tell him to strut his stuff! If he protests, just tell him to read my article and he’ll know we’re not playing games here. This fashion advice is SERIOUS STUFF. (You may have to “throw him a bone” and let him wear his choice of belt and shoes color combinations. After all, NOBODY will even be looking at his belt or shoes.) Baby steps, Gladys, baby steps.

I can also tell you, Gladys, that if your husband wears these mens “leggings” to the wedding, nobody will even NOTICE the bridesmaids dresses. (Unless, of course, one of their corsets gives way…then we have some EXCITEMENT!)

Make sure to take pictures, and be sure to share them with us. (Don’t bother if the corsets explode, however. This is a G-rated website.)

Thanks for writing, Gladys, and remember: Today’s fashion faux-paus are tomorrows FASHION “MUST HAVES”!
Just ask the guy who accidently put on his wife’s work-out leggings!

–Dave, er, uh, I mean

–Davio Fettuccini

P.S. Have a question you’d like answered? Click here to submit to the Earth to Dave! editorial staff, er, person.