Here in the Atlanta area we have been enduring a cold “snap”. I’ve always wondered why they call it a cold “snap”. Now I know. I’m so cold that if I bump an arm or leg hard against something, I’m convinced it would SNAP OFF.
That’s saying something, considering the fact that, since the early days, my father taught me that the home’s heating system should NEVER EVER be used…unless the roof blows off and we’ve run out of coats. As kids during the (mild) winters of northern California, my sisters and I knew to have a bundle of coats, sweaters, hats, gloves and earmuffs handy…and that was just for INSIDE the house. Going outside meant that we’d be wrapped in so many layers that we appeared to be walking clothes racks, or something worse:
“Mommy, I’m scared! There’s a coat monster coming towards us! Or, maybe that’s a hat monster! Anyway, it’s scary, Mommy! Make it stop!!
Then my best friend realized it’s me.
“Oh…it’s YOU. Would you STOP that?!”
“I can’t help it. Dad didn’t have the heater on. I had 11 layers on in the house, so I had to put 8 more on for outside!”
“Again?”
“Uh huh. And the problem is, I have to go potty.”
(Dear readers, perhaps this example of one of my typical childhood experiences will help you understand why I am…well, who I am.)
When the hot California summers came along, Dad would duct-tape over the air conditioning thermostat. On the duct tape he would write:
“DO NOT TOUCH OR YOU’RE DEAD MEAT” …or something like that. Maybe it just said something like
“Please no touchies. Hugs and Smoochies, Dad”.
I can’t really remember. Plus, it was hard to see through the sweat in my eyes.
So, naturally, in the house we had to resort to ceiling fans, box fans, paper fans, and lots of popsicles. Surprisingly, we never became nudists. (I’m sure my sisters and parents are quite thankful for that. So am I.) Thankfully, I could gain 120 pounds in the winter, because I was sure I would “sweat it all off” through the summer season.
But Dad had the last laugh, as all the heating and air conditioning money has been saved. He has since bought he and my Mom a new car, RV trailer, pontoon boat and other miscellaneous “toys”.
I’m so happy for them. It’s proof positive that “a penny saved is a penny earned”, and the value of stewardship. My Dad was the MASTER at stewardship. They entered retirement “prepared” and are enjoying the time of their lives, free of the burdens of, well, okay I’ll say it: KIDS. (Oh man is my wife going to let me hear about THAT one. Looks like TV dinners tonight. I really enjoy the “Hungry Man” dinners…ding ding ding! shameless plug alert!….because I won’t have to ask my wife for seconds…because she wouldn’t give me some anyway.)
I would, however, have been MUCH HAPPIER if he had purchased all the “toys” (and maybe even turned the heating and air on occasionally) WHILE I WAS AT HOME.
It is, after all, all about ME.
With this upbringing, then, it is no surprise that I have become…well, you know…cheap. I, too, turn down the thermostat in the winter and keep it up in the summer. The problem is, I complain about it like SOMEONE ELSE set it. (Hello? Earth to Dave?!) To add to this, I continually check the garage to see if the new car has arrived. So far, no luck.
Perhaps this stems from a man’s tendency to be:
(a) Cluless (see “Valentines Day and (clueless) man: An Earth to Dave! history lesson.”)
(b) cheap
(c) very willing to blame others for his shortcomings. (Did I say that?! Earth to Dave! lawyers’ fine print: Reproduction of these words without the express written permission of Earth to Dave! is strictly prohibited and will be prosecuted and punished by…freezing in Dave’s house.)
Until the warmer weather comes, I think it would be appropriate to think upon, and look forward to, those “days at the lake” that are right around the corner. Yeah, that’s better. Laying out in the sun. Swimming. Skiing. Boating.
And my favorite activity: taking the kids (and their pet cat) out “tubing”. Here’s a photo from last summer:
As you can tell, everyone is having a GREAT time! Ah yes, summer.
So in the cold of winter, here is an original Earth to Dave! poem, especially for you:
The weather is so cold it’s not funny
So go ahead and crank up the heater.
The problem is, heat costs money,
Which means you’ll have to drive a BEATER.
Stay warm, and see you at the lake…
