New Year’s Day is fast approaching, and you know what that means: time to buckle down and make those New Year’s Resolutions.

Who ever came up with New Year’s resolutions? Have any historians, scientists or archeologists ever searched for clues to the origins of these ridiculous acts? Perhaps they go back to the caveman days where Thor and his wife Wilma were searching for a way to quit…uh, smoking. (Hey, that’s the best that I could come up with. They probably smoked banana leaves or something. Work with me here.)

Thor and Wilma tried everything. They tried “the patch”, which back then was a large fig leaf that you would shove in your mouth. Eventually, though, they’d swallow the leaf to have a smoke. Next they tried the caveman equivalent of “nicotene gum.” Because they knew nothing of nicotene back then, they’d shove a wad of Brontosaurus blubber in their mouth and chew away (eeeww). That didn’t last either, though. The Brontosaurus blubber was WAY too hard to get, and besides, that led to Thor and Wilma gaining extreme weight. This would lead to FURTHER resolutions.
Something had to be done. Thor had an idea:

Thor: Ugh. (“Hey, this has to stop. We look like fat beached whales and I’m afraid I’m going to die of emphysema”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“Who are you calling fat?!”)

Thor: Ugh. (“Uh, not you, my little hubcap. I mean, uh, ME. But don’t you care about our health? Something has to be done!”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“You’re right. What are we to do? I’m just not feeling myself. I used to have way more energy. When I take Dino for a walk, I run out of breath easily. When I do my rock-stepper machine, I can only go 30 seconds. I couldn’t believe it! I’m getting old, honey. We’re both getting old. Have you ever thought about what it’s going to be like when we’re in the assisted-living cave? I cannot believe how time flies. I was talking to Betty the other day and she’s really starting to show wrinkles. I hope I don’t get wrinkles like Betty! Don’t tell her I said that. She’d be crushed! I think we need to paint the cave. Do you like “taupe”? But anyway, I just need to stop this smoking. I’ve GOT to shed some pounds. Plus, do you think I look fat in this leopard skin??”)

Thor:(with “deer in the headlights look”) Ugh. (“No. Uh, no fat. Look good. Real, uh…good”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“Maybe we should start the New Year with a New Year’s Resolution to stop smoking and lose weight!”)

Thor: Ugh. (“Good idea. What’s a New Year’s Remolooshun?”)

Wilma: Ugh. (“Ugh!”)

So there it is. The FIRST New Year’ Resolution. Thor and Wilma shed the pounds, quit smoking (“cold-pterodactyl”) and lived to be 900 years old. Their legacy, however, was in the forming of the first New Year’s Resolution.

So how do YOU do on your resolutions? Me? I’ve got it figured out. I NEVER do well in keeping them. This used to bother me but one day it dawned on me: I’m setting my goals WAY too high. Instead, I should be more realistic in my resolutions. Yes, that’s it! Set the bar a little lower, but high enough to achieve something! Man, I’m a genius.

So in that spirit, I would like to present to you my

Top-10 New Year’s Resolutions for 2007:

10. I resolve to never shave while driving in my car (why do guys do that?? Are they really pressed for time that badly??).

9. I resolve to never ever reach in and clean the grass clippings while the lawn mower is still running.

8. I resolve to never wear those stupid bluetooth thingies attached to my ear and look like a complete moron.

7. I resolve to never push an old lady into the street in front of a street sweeper.

6. I resolve to quit belching the alphabet to impress my wife.

5. I resolve to never pay money to go in and get sprayed with some toxic yellow chemical that is supposed to make me look like I have nothing better to do than vacation, lay on the beach, and get a NATURAL (??) tan.

4. I resolve to stop shoving those little styrofoam “peanuts” up my nose and blowing them at the Pastor while he’s preaching his sermon. (This one is going to be REALLY hard to keep.)

3. I resolve to stop turning my eyelids inside out with my son “Scooter” to impress his teacher and friends.

2. I resolve to quit “snorting” a noodle up my nose and “hawking” it back through my throat so I can play “look at the noodle coming out of my throat and nose” trick (that’s a hit at the parties, by the way, so I’m really going all out here.)

and the number 1 Earth to Dave! New Year’s Resolution?

1. I resolve to quit making stupid New Year’s Resolutions.

Now, I’m pretty confident that I can KEEP these resolutions. Can you say that about YOURS? What do you mean you’re not going to make New Year’s Resolutions this year??!! Remember Thor and Wilma and their many sacrifices they made just so we could make these empty promises? (Don’t forget, Thor was the first guy to have to lie to his wife and tell her the leopard skin DIDN’T make her look fat! C’mon guys, you know what that’s like…Thor’s our man. We OWE it to Thor.)

I’d like to challenge you to not only make your resolutions, but share your TOP resolution with the Earth to Dave! readers.

So let’s see those comments, and remember:

Aim low.

I’d like to wish each one of you a VERY Happy New Year!

–Dave

P.S. Use the “Comments” function to post YOUR resolutions below! Click “Comments” below to share your resolution. You must be registered and logged in to Earth to Dave! to comment. If you’re not a member, whaddap??? Click “Register”————————————–over here———————————->