Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Yesterday I arrived home from work with a long “to do” list running in my head. In an effort to make the best use of my time, I consulted the weather forecast for today. This seems to make me feel better. I will be fully informed and able to factor in the “atmospheric conditions” when accomplishing my required tasks.

Or, not.

You see, ever since the dawn of time, man has tried to predict the weather. When Adam and Eve wanted to go for a camel ride (what? don’t you think they went camel riding? How do you think they got to the bowling alley?) they would use whatever they had available to determine the appropriate attire for their ride. (Yes, I said “attire”, as in a PALM LEAF versus a DAISY PETAL.) Adam would climb the tallest mountain, take in the view of the horizon, and make the (day-long) trek back to the bottom of the mountain, proudly announcing to Eve his “weather forecast”:

Adam: “It be sunny. We wear daisy petal.”

Eve: “Me like daisy petal.”

Adam: “Not as much as ME like YOU in daisy petal.”

Within hours, however, it would begin to rain. You see, as Adam began the trek down the mountain, the “atmosphere” (fancy meteorologist term for “air”) would change and become “unstable” from “orographic lift” (these are other fancy meterologist terms which, although they sound very impressive, mean nothing to me.) This change and orographic lifting stuff would make the supposedly sunshiney day become rather dismal. Eve was NOT happy:

Eve: “Me thought you said sun. Daisy petal drooping.”

Adam: “Yes, me like.”

Eve: (“wife stare”) (Just typing that makes me uncomfortable.)

Adam (sees “wife stare”, feels shivers up spine, resorts to flattery): “Me thinks you beautiful with hair soaking wet.”

Eve: (more dreaded “wife stare”)

The camel ride would continue in silence, with Adam being very aware of Eve’s displeasure with his failed “forecast”.

Eventually, Adam would figure it all out. The next time he climbed the mountain and returned, he would report the following:

Adam: “Weather unstable. Mostly sun with scattered times of clouds and rain. Chance of rain 20 to 90 percent. Otherwise, mild throughout Garden of Eden”.

Eve: “What is ‘percent‘?”

Adam (blank stare): “Uh…Weather unstable. Mostly sun with scattered times of clouds and rain. Chance of rain 20 to 90 percent. Otherwise, mild throughout Garden of Eden”.

Eve: (blank stare).

Adam (looking around): “You want go for elephant ride?”

Eve: “Me guess.”

The ride would be rather uneventful, interrupted by brief rain showers mixed with clouds and sun. Eve didn’t know what to think. All Adam knew was that he may have found the key to staying out of the “dog house”.

Thus began the “science” of weather.

Have you ever stopped to consider what the weather man is actually TELLING you? What exactly is “partly sunny”? Do you have any idea what that means? Me neither. What about “mild”. What’s “mild” to me may not necessarily be “mild” to you. Heck, when I put an itty bitty bit of “mild” hot sauce on the very corner of my tortilla chip at the local Mexican restaurant, I must immediately wash it down with three gallons of water. The guy across from me, however, is asking for a PITCHER of the hot stuff. And that’s just for his KIDS. Yes, it’s all relative. Thus, the weather man is sitting pretty, just like Adam on the elephant.

Occasionally, the weather man seems to hit a “homer” with his report. He warns us of an oncoming storm, hurricane, or tornadoes. How does he do this? Easy.

The telephone. Still don’t get it? First, before I share with you the “trade secrets” of the weather “forecaster” that I learned from my brief experience as a traffic reporter on the radio (there really is no connection there, but work with me on this), I must tell you that news has already leaked within the “meteorological community” that I was about to “spill the beans”. This news has resulted in death threats and other violent behavior. Just yesterday, I had a weather map stuffed in my mailbox. On it was scrawled:

“If you tell everyone our secrets, there’s a 60 percent chance of heavy to partly bloody beatings with mostly mild concussions. Signed, weatherman forecaster guy.”

Not one to live in fear, however, I will not allow the hoodlums at the AMS deter me from speaking out. (You know, the AMS–the “American Meteorological Society”…that seal that every weatherperson boasts of but nobody really knows what it is? It’s a secret society of weatherpeople killers!)

So here it is. This is the way it works:

Weatherman in Sacramento calls Veronica the Weatherbabe in Phoenix: “Hello? Veronica? It’s Scooter. The weather here is VERY RAINY. The winds are kinda BLOWEY and the clouds are BOOMING. Pass it on.”

Veronica then spends endless minutes writing down this research, then appears live, on television, to deliver her report:

“Well, I hope you enjoyed the sun today because BIG CHANGES are in store for you! Yes, that’s right. The atmospheric conditions are “destabilizing” and a “frontal system” is approaching us from the west. Look for mostly cloudy skies, with rain showers probable, to include some gusty conditions and thunderstorms likely”.

Meanwhile, the viewing audience is astounded by the accuracy of Veronica the weather girl from the station that is “First in weather, traffic and news…Depend on it!”

The next day, Veronica the Weatherbabe in Phoenix calls Lance the AMS-certified (hoodlum) meteorologist in Denver:

Veronica: “Lance, it’s me, Veronica. It’s been really rainy and windy and some loud noises have come from the clouds. I think they’ve been banging together. It’s really scary!! Warn your viewers!! It’s coming your way!!

Lance: “Thanks Veronica! I will warn my viewers! Will the Rocky Mountain range provide orographic lift, further excacerbating the unstable air mass??”

Veronica: (stares into phone).

Lance: “Hello?”

Veronica: “Warn your viewers! I just heard lightning! I gotta go!”
(click. dial tone.)

And of course, Lance (your certified AMS (hoodlum) meterologist) provides his timely report:

“Folks, I cannot stress enough, you need to keep FOX88 News tuned in all day tomorrow! We’re “First in weather, traffic, and news…Depend on it!” Our FOX88 Orbital Satellite indicates a strong gusty rain frontal system approaching us from the west. Orographic lift will exacerbate the already unstable air mass, resulting in rain, wind and lightning. Stay indoors, keep the children inside, and…I cannot emphasize this enough…stay tuned to FOX88 News for minute-by-minute rainfall totals. This is a matter of life and death. This is Lance, your AMS-certified (hoodlum) meteorologist, over and out.”

And the cycle repeats, over and over. Occasionally you might find a weather forecast that is simply way off. You might wonder what happened. This is very simple to explain. One TV station may not like another. Thus, bad information is passed. It is very important for each station to find another, located west of them, that they can trust. This involves various bribes and payments, mostly in the form of free pizza.

In an effort to one-up a competing station in the same town, many have begun to tout their “Doppler Radar”. This sounds very impressive, but let me shed some light on this for you. These “Doppler Radar” towers are simply cell-phone towers with a TV sign strapped on them. They really don’t do anything, except make for a very impressive photograph, which the station uses in their marketing and promotional efforts. The cell phone company negotiates the use of their tower through various forms of payment, mostly in the form of free pizza. The fancy radar-like images they show you are just computer animations created by someone’s kid nephew, as he alternately animates and chats online with undercover police officers in chat rooms. It’s all very organized and highly secret.

Again, I say all of these things because of my desire to educate, and be fully truthful with, my readers. These trade secrets are highly guarded. I fully expect to suffer severe repercussions for disclosing this information. I might be attacked by an official AMS-certified (hoodlum) laser pointer, or perhaps have one of those little remote-control clicker-on-a-cord things wrapped around my neck (you know, the deal the AMS-certified meteorologist uses to click through the various computer-animated “Doppler Radar” images they show). If you hear of my demise and it involved any of these (very common) AMS-certified and sponsored death squad techniques, please alert the authorities. Tell them to look for the weather map death threat that I have hidden under my mattress along with my life savings of tens of thousands of dollars. (Dang I’m smart. I have thought of EVERYTHING.)

Lastly, remember this: the AMS-certified (hoodlums) are behind everything. There are secret codes everywhere which will dictate how you live life, or at least how you look at weather. Consider this: “Doppler Radar” spelled backwards is:

“Relppod Radar”. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Now that you’re educated, don’t let them fool you. Call a friend or relative out west. Cut out the middle man, and enjoy the weather.