Earth to Dave! (E2D!)

Dear readers,

Ever since I was in the womb, I have had a fairly warped sense of humor. You might think that I am exaggerating my point, since I said “ever since I was in the womb”. This is not the case, however. (I would never stretch the truth, just for a laugh, except in cases where I really NEEDED to provide a laugh, then I probably would.)

The truth is, when I was yet a “fetus babius” (to be scientific), I would do things just to mess with my mom.

Once, when she was eating ravioli at a fancy Italian restaurant (that’s what they serve at fancy Italian restaurants. I know because I went to an Olive Garden recently), I began to kick, squirm and poke all around. My mom thought she had indigestion. Boy did I fool her.

Since that time, my warped sense of humor has not only remained intact, but strengthened in intensity. Take, for instance, the following video:

Now, I find that to be VERY funny. My lovely wife, however, calls it “sick and disgusting”.

Now, since she is Canadian, I will assume that Canadians often refer to very funny things as “sick and disgusting”. I think that’s because with all the snow, igloos and polar bears up there, it’s very difficult to remain in a good mood. Imagine waking up with a head cold and going to work. By the time you trudge through the snow 16 miles to the igloo office, your snot has frozen to your face. I would agree that it would be VERY difficult to laugh it up after a morning like that. Now, imagine EVERY DAY being like that! I believe that Canadians are thus “conditioned” (to use another science term) to see things, even funny things, as “sick and disgusting”. Having said that, I now believe that my wife UNCONDITIONALLY APPROVES of the above video.

Some of you might wonder exactly what goes on in the ” warped mind” of someone like me which would lead to LAUGHTER when a man’s head blows up while inflating a raft. I too wondered the very same thing, so I wrote a letter to Doctor Ernest T. Clodfelter, a distinguished researcher and President of the Institute of Diseased Intellects Of Today’s Society (IDIOTS):

Dear Dr. Clodfelter,

I would like to know why I tend to find great humor in things that other “normal” people say are really quite upsetting and foul. Is this a psychological problem, or am I really the “normal” one?

Thank you for your time in this important matter.

Signed, Dave
http://www.earthtodave.com

Recently I received a response back from the Doctor:

“Dear Dave,

Thank you for your recent letter regarding your unusual and unhealthy sense of humor.

After years of intensive study on this very subject, my research indicates that either

(a) you were dropped on your head as a young infant, or

(b) your mother’s diet during pregancy consisted of large portions of Italian food, or

(c) you exercised too much in the womb.

All of these factors, or any combination thereof, can lead to serious psychological dysfunction and the need to laugh at anything, and at all costs. Your friends will probably think of many excuses why they cannot spend time with you, and your own family will choose to live thousands of miles away. Your pets will destroy your personal belongings and pee in your shoes. You will, however, somehow find HUMOR in all of these things, and go through life oblivious to the cold truth that you are, in fact, really dysfunctional in your humor. After reading your column, I can only assume that your mother grew irritated about your constant movement in the womb, which drove her to consume large quantities of ravioli with her bare hands (even during childbirth). Finally, her greasy tomato-paste-covered hands caused her to drop you on your head when the doctor handed you to her.

There are medications that may help you. Please call me at once.

Warm regards,

Dr. Earnest Clodfelter

So as you can see, I am completely normal. My sense of humor, while sometimes referred to as “warped” and “wierd”, and occasionally as “downright CRAZY…you need a straight jacket and stay away from my kids!”, I am confident that I am simply a product of my environment, which is, in itself, a little wierd. (You’d understand this if you met my sisters.)

So in summary, I would like to show you one last video that I find to be mildly (okay, VERY) humorous:

Admit it. You laughed.
Don’t feel bad. You were probably dropped on your head a time or two. Ask your Mom. She’ll tell you…if you can get her to stop eating the ravioli long enough to talk.

Keep laughing. I’ll be laughing right at, er, uh WITH you!

Here in the Atlanta area we have been enduring a cold “snap”. I’ve always wondered why they call it a cold “snap”. Now I know. I’m so cold that if I bump an arm or leg hard against something, I’m convinced it would SNAP OFF.

That’s saying something, considering the fact that, since the early days, my father taught me that the home’s heating system should NEVER EVER be used…unless the roof blows off and we’ve run out of coats. As kids during the (mild) winters of northern California, my sisters and I knew to have a bundle of coats, sweaters, hats, gloves and earmuffs handy…and that was just for INSIDE the house. Going outside meant that we’d be wrapped in so many layers that we appeared to be walking clothes racks, or something worse:
“Mommy, I’m scared! There’s a coat monster coming towards us! Or, maybe that’s a hat monster! Anyway, it’s scary, Mommy! Make it stop!!

Then my best friend realized it’s me.

“Oh…it’s YOU. Would you STOP that?!”

“I can’t help it. Dad didn’t have the heater on. I had 11 layers on in the house, so I had to put 8 more on for outside!”

“Again?”

“Uh huh. And the problem is, I have to go potty.”

(Dear readers, perhaps this example of one of my typical childhood experiences will help you understand why I am…well, who I am.)

When the hot California summers came along, Dad would duct-tape over the air conditioning thermostat. On the duct tape he would write:

“DO NOT TOUCH OR YOU’RE DEAD MEAT” …or something like that. Maybe it just said something like

“Please no touchies. Hugs and Smoochies, Dad”.

I can’t really remember. Plus, it was hard to see through the sweat in my eyes.

So, naturally, in the house we had to resort to ceiling fans, box fans, paper fans, and lots of popsicles. Surprisingly, we never became nudists. (I’m sure my sisters and parents are quite thankful for that. So am I.) Thankfully, I could gain 120 pounds in the winter, because I was sure I would “sweat it all off” through the summer season.

But Dad had the last laugh, as all the heating and air conditioning money has been saved. He has since bought he and my Mom a new car, RV trailer, pontoon boat and other miscellaneous “toys”.

I’m so happy for them. It’s proof positive that “a penny saved is a penny earned”, and the value of stewardship. My Dad was the MASTER at stewardship. They entered retirement “prepared” and are enjoying the time of their lives, free of the burdens of, well, okay I’ll say it: KIDS. (Oh man is my wife going to let me hear about THAT one. Looks like TV dinners tonight. I really enjoy the “Hungry Man” dinners…ding ding ding! shameless plug alert!….because I won’t have to ask my wife for seconds…because she wouldn’t give me some anyway.)

I would, however, have been MUCH HAPPIER if he had purchased all the “toys” (and maybe even turned the heating and air on occasionally) WHILE I WAS AT HOME.
It is, after all, all about ME.

With this upbringing, then, it is no surprise that I have become…well, you know…cheap. I, too, turn down the thermostat in the winter and keep it up in the summer. The problem is, I complain about it like SOMEONE ELSE set it. (Hello? Earth to Dave?!) To add to this, I continually check the garage to see if the new car has arrived. So far, no luck.

Perhaps this stems from a man’s tendency to be:

(a) Cluless (see “Valentines Day and (clueless) man: An Earth to Dave! history lesson.”)
(b) cheap
(c) very willing to blame others for his shortcomings. (Did I say that?! Earth to Dave! lawyers’ fine print: Reproduction of these words without the express written permission of Earth to Dave! is strictly prohibited and will be prosecuted and punished by…freezing in Dave’s house.)

Until the warmer weather comes, I think it would be appropriate to think upon, and look forward to, those “days at the lake” that are right around the corner. Yeah, that’s better. Laying out in the sun. Swimming. Skiing. Boating.

And my favorite activity: taking the kids (and their pet cat) out “tubing”. Here’s a photo from last summer:

As you can tell, everyone is having a GREAT time! Ah yes, summer.

So in the cold of winter, here is an original Earth to Dave! poem, especially for you:

The weather is so cold it’s not funny
So go ahead and crank up the heater.
The problem is, heat costs money,
Which means you’ll have to drive a BEATER.

Stay warm, and see you at the lake…